Blog Post 478

You Got It

Didn't mean to come into your life and make it a mess. I was just trying to figure out if you were the one for me or if it was all just for show. I wanted to understand the love you talked about, only to find out there was no such thing. You came into my life, giving me false hope, thinking it would make me chase after you, but instead, I gave in only to break you from within. You did your thing while I watched and took notes on how to break your soul in two. You never really saw me for what I truly was, and that was your biggest mistake. You thought your charm and silly jokes would make me follow after you, but instead, I just watched as you made a fool out of yourself, exposing your darkest secrets to the outside world, making you hate yourself. You should've thought twice before entering my life, thinking you had a chance of being someone important to me. You had the wrong one at the right time, only to find out the hard way. You went from being by my side to being ostracized as if you didn't belong. I'm sorry for not telling you my plans sooner, but then again, it would have prevented me from getting what I wanted. So thanks for playing right into my hand and not making a scene about it.

I wish it could have ended sooner, but the timing just felt off, so I stuck around making sure you were okay with the thought of me being gone, only to find out you weren't, so I ended up scrapping the whole idea of me leaving just so you didn't have to feel like it was all your fault. I wanted things to end on good terms, but the timing is what had me fucked up. You were off to school, and I was busy making plans for my next life, and somewhere down the line, I knew you wouldn't be a part of it, but I didn't have the guts to tell you, so I stuck around, hoping we would end things on good terms and I could go do what was best for me. I didn't care to be the bad guy in your eyes. I just wanted to be someone you once knew, only to realize he's no longer the same. I wanted to find myself away from you and the chaos that you brought my way, but I didn't have the balls to say it because I knew it wasn't right, so I just kept it to myself. I wish you knew about my whereabouts and the things I've been doing, but for now, I'm just gonna keep moving forward, and hopefully one day the music will land across your feed, and you can understand why I did the things I did when it came to you.

I wish there was another way to make you realize it was never about you, but you were the main muse for the most recent 2 albums, and for that, I'm not sure if I should be thanking you or giving you an apology for making me feel that way. I wish I could understand our doings, but every time I look back at what we had, I can see it was all for show, so why would I bother looking back at it, acting as if what we had was good? When it was a mix of good and bad, but at the same time, it felt fake. I couldn't help but think you were only with me for the clout I had, knowing you would just end up getting hurt in the process of being next to me. But I guess you didn't care until it happened, and now we've lost contact, and I'm fully okay with that because the music I've been putting out has all the answers to your questions. 

I hope one day we can laugh about all of this, but at the same time, I just want you to know that it was always going to be you, regardless of the distance, and that's the part that kills me. Knowing that you've been the one since we started talking makes it even harder on me, knowing we no longer talk because of that one fight. I wish I could reach out to you and ask about your doings and if everything is going well like it used to, but I guess the silence is better than hearing something happened to you. I don't know, I just wish I could talk to you, but I know I no longer have that right, and as much as I wanna ask for forgiveness, I don't think it'll ever happen. I'm just sorry for making you ever see that side of me, and I wish it had never happened. I'm just sorta feeling lost without you, and I know this feeling is tempory but at the same time shouldn't have to feel like this when the feelings were mutual, so we said and thought. But I guess one of us lied, and I think that person was me, and now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to make my existence known to you once again, only to call you mine and make the feeling last like we planned instead of it dying out like there was nothing to hold on to.