Blog Post 477

I No Longer Feel Anything Towards You

I'm pretty sure you asked yourself what you did to have me distance myself from you, and it's simply not anything you did. I just came to terms that I was only allowing you to be in my life because I had unprocessed trauma, and you being around made it easier to trace it back to its roots, and now that it's been solved and understood, your presence was simply no longer needed in my life. So thanks for being there for me when I needed you most, but now that it's been solved, I can finally move on from you and everything that's happened between us two. It wasn't a form of hate removing you; I was simply just finding myself from the darkness I buried myself in, and the only way out was going straight to the source, which was you, and now that I understand your reasoning behind your actions, it felt right to let go and put it behind me. So please don't think I ended up forming some sort of hate towards you because that's not the case. I just needed to find the meaning behind your actions towards me, and now that I know, I can see that I was always the version you wanted to be but couldn't have. 

I understand it so perfectly now that it makes me kind of sad you did all of those things because you were simply jealous and angry at yourself for what I was and had, and unfortunately, I can't help everyone with their needs or wants, but you took it upon yourself to force your way in and take as much as you could until I had nothing left. But you forgot one key factor, which was that I wasn't born or brought up in the traditional way, so for you to think you have the upper hand is what gets me laughing. I was standing right there the whole time watching it all play out, taking notes on how to break you, only to realize you weren't worth my time. I now know certain things should be handled in the right way but the way you looked at me as if you've done this before made me see that no matter what I did it wouldn't change you as a person, so I just stayed quiet and let it be for what it was and let time handle it.

I wasn't trying to gain anything from you; if anything, I was trying to escape you and leave you where I first saw you. You were never someone I needed or bothered to please or make you see a different side of me. You were just another body that walked this earth. I saw no point in being associated with you, and I think that's what killed you the most. You'd end up going all out and even showing up at my private spots, making your existence known and even calling my name from across the street, only to get looks of why the fuck are you yelling for. I ignored you out in public, making you know that my existence is no longer something of your concern. I did all I could to stay away from you, only to find out you'd go around planning your day to eventually run into me like a crazy stalker/fan. I don't understand why you had to feel entitled to my doings when you were just as busy as me. You think this was all for fun when in reality, I was on the verge of getting a restraining order because of how unsafe I would feel sometimes being somewhere knowing you might show up. I brought my friends as backup, only for you to just watch from a distance, making you see that my life was better without your presence.

I wish things could have come to a mutual agreement, but you were too fixated on the thought of me, even when I was dating other people. It was one of the weirded time in my life, not knowing if you coming up to me would end badly or what. I was so content with the thought of you being a ghost that when we crossed paths it didn't even phase me, but to the rest of my friends, they'd ask if I was cool or if they needed to ask what your deal was, and I simply just said it was fine. I wish you were just another person from my past, but no matter how close I get to making you a complete ghost, you find a way to crawl back as if you owed me something. I don't understand why you can't just find someone else to love and have them deal with all your bipolar ass emotions and leave me alone. It can't be that hard to do when you're on almost every dating app known to man. I swear it's like I became the grand prize, and for what? I don't even find myself worthy enough to be on the earth, and you want to claim me as yours? Are you fucking dumb? Please just go find someone better and erase me from your life because I did my part, now it's your turn.