Blog Post 474

Stop Hiding Out

I'm not sure if you're aware of my doings or not, but I've been trying to make it known to you by releasing several tracks dedicated to you, hoping you'd understand that the things between us two were never supposed to happen. I tried so hard to keep it cool and act as if it didn't bother me, but deep down inside, the guilt was killing me, so I ended up hiding away with my notes app, trying to map out all the thoughts and feelings that I had for you and make them all into songs. Surprisingly, I didn't realize I would have released so many songs and albums when it came to you. I sorta did it for fun and to just make my feelings known to you and to you only, but something told me to just put it out on all platforms and let the people hear the truth. I know I should have asked and reached out to you before I did it, but I didn't see the point because at the time you blocked me out, and I thought I'd make a song and play it outside your house with a speaker like they did back in the day lol. But then I thought about how personal the songs were and I chose to just ignore them all together after they hit the streaming services making me release even more songs only for them to not be about you but for myself and all the trauma that I had lived through and now I'm scared that everything is out in the light making me feel easy to understand even though my whole life I've been misunderstood. I'm assessing whether this was a good idea. I wanted you to see the real me and not the guy they told you about.

You have every right to disregard me and all of my doings, but one day you'll end up reaching out too late, and I'll be far gone from someone you once knew. I can change my life and where I live, but the songs will remain, letting you understand the pain I held within when it came to you and me. I tried so hard to make an unreleased album for my own private use, but somewhere down the line, the album ended up being on all platforms, hoping one day you'd hear it. I don't regret my decision to release all my unsaid feelings; I only regret not letting you be next to me during the entire process. I guess the thought of losing you completely altered my brain chemistry and convinced me music was the only way to get through it all. So that's what I did for the whole month of April and now that it's May, I've come to terms that making music should have been the answer to all my problems all along. Now that I have the resources and have self-taught myself on everything when it comes to making beats and lyrics coming together, I don't think anything can stop me. I just wish you could hear the songs that I made because of you, even though some aren't directed towards anyone for safety and privacy reasons.

I wish you could see how much of a creative muse you've been to me and maybe understand the love I had for you was pure and true and not something for show. I wish things were different between us two, but for now, I'll continue to focus on my music and my blog site and getting newer posts out so I can make some better songs for you to listen to while you're thinking about me. I know this is kind of crazy after all the things we've been through, but overall, I think this was the best decision for me so you could live your life free as a bird, not have to worry about me, because the music will tell all if you just listen closely to it. I'm sorry things couldn't work out between us, but maybe this was for the best, and knowing that, I think I've finally found what truly makes me happy. 

I enjoy this creative music outlet that I've somehow managed to workout for my mental health but at the same time I gotta work on not being so open but then again if I stop being open then all my thoguths would just be held back and then I'd be stuck on trying to find something to talk about when there's so much to talk about when my whole life is basically a tv show the way people keep appearing and dissapearing as if they're a special guest in my own life. I'm not saying I would want things to go back to normal because my life is no longer normal I feel like and as much as I try to stay hidden and out the way I'm getting asked about certain things that I can't answer or have an answer to but when it comes to you the asnwers are right there on the tip of my tongue but somehow the distance between us two is too far to even make a sound and it kills me not knowing if what I truly feel for you will ever be known or will I have to just accept the fact of never seeing you and making another album dedicated all for you. I feel like only time will tell on that one, so in the meantime, I'm just going to focus on some blog entries, and maybe one day the album will be released for you and the rest of the world to hear.