Blog Post 471

Sorry For Fading Out of Sight

I wish there were a way to contact you once again to tell you how I've really been instead of just lying to your face, thinking it won't make you worry about my well-being. I never meant to ghost you or leave you out to dry. I just wanted to put a safe distance between you and me so I wouldn't end up hurting you. I thought it was the right thing to do, but sitting back and watching days go by without a text or call from you makes me wonder if you and I are really over, or if you're just waiting for my return. It's so confusing for me to have to sit here and try to process all my doings, thinking that everything I did was all just one big mistake, and I should just push myself further down into the void of no return. You said you'd always be there for me, but it looks like that was all a lie, like every word everyone else ever said to me. I just hope you find your way back to me one day and can see that I'm not the one they told you about. I only ever had feelings for you, and for some reason me letting you know caused a shift in our doings, and I didn't like the change, so I went numb, thinking nothing of it, only for you to ask me where the real me went. I didn't have an answer for you at the time because I didn't understand the question you had asked. Whatcha mean the real me? Was there another version of me that you saw that I wasn't fully aware of, or was it just a mind game to find my old self again? 

I tried so hard to find the meaning behind your question, but came out empty-handed, and now you're gone because of how long I took to find the answers to your questions. I thought I just had the timing wrong, so I waited for the stars to realign, hoping that I'd find my answers then, only to find myself drowning in the guilt of not ever seeing you again. So I jumped off the cliff, hoping you'd be the one to pull me from the water, only to find out there was no one out to save me from my doings, so I just drowned in the sorrows of your beauty and all the pain I had caused. I could see it for what it truly was when I closed my eyes, knowing this was it, this is how it finally ends, and I was waiting all night long til the sun came up to watch it finally end. I wanted to see the final chapter of everything I've ever been through to finally come to an end, and I could be reborn from the deep sea beneath the ocean floor into someone you'd love and not have to hate every time the thought of me occurred. 

You were asking for love, knowing I was never enough for you made me think it was all just a game, so I played along until one of us lost the game. You taught me how to stay calm when the seasons changed, but never taught me how to stay calm when the person you love the most is about to lose every trace of you. You were everything to me, only to find out I was going to be thrown into the deep end one day, not knowing how to swim to safety. You planned it all so well that my voice was never heard, almost as if I was silenced, forgetting how to talk. You did it all so well that part of me felt like I was already dead. You didn't even hesitate to kill me off with your looks and charm. I fell victim to you and the role you played, only to once again find myself drowning in the deep end. You saw good in me but used it against me and turned it back into anger, knowing I can't control it once it's out. I thought drowning in the deep would prevent it from getting out, but you came prepared and let it happen without my knowledge. You were so damn chill about it to not realizing that your safety was no longer worth a damn to me. You became the prime target, and now you're asking what went wrong? You're so stupid to ask that. You didn't even notice your own doings to understand the person I was hiding from wasn't you, it was the other side of me. The role you chose to play was the wrong one when it came to me, and now you're dead to me.