Blog Post 470

I Hate to Say It...But I'm Unsure About It All

You called me up late at night, asking me if I could come and see you, thinking nothing of it, hoping I'd say yes, but the reality is that the call was never meant to happen. You only reached out to see if I was still alive, and when I picked up, I could hear the heavy breathing on the other side as if there was more to the call than you let on. So I asked what it was you wanted, only to hear back nothing. I hung up the call, only to hear a knock at my door, asking who it was, only to find out it was you. You asked me if you could come in, knowing I had no idea how you even got to me. You seemed so scared as if you had just seen a ghost. I asked if you were okay, and you just looked at me as if you didn't know who I was. It was so unclear as to what was happening, but I knew you being here in front of me could only mean one thing, and unfortunately, I still didn't have an answer for you.

I'm sorry for making you drive out all this way only to have me tell you that I didn't have an answer to your question, and what I thought about the situation of me leaving this earth. I knew if I had gone with you, then there wasn't a way to come back home, and part of me felt fine with that. I just didn't like the thought of not knowing when I'd return or if I'd ever come back to this life, and if what I had would still be there when I got back. It was all so unclear to me, but if going with you and letting go of the past would clear me from the traces of others, then I was willing to go with you, but if I had left and the evidence of me still remained, then I'd just be asking what the point of it all meant. Was it really ever worth my time and efforts of leaving paper trails, or was it the right move? You made me so unsure of my doings that leaving this place I called home is making me wonder if this was really home for me. The seasons change around me, but my feelings and thoughts still remain the same, and sometimes I wish those two things would change as the seasons do. I wanted to fake my death and come back as someone unknown and be unfamiliar to those around me. I wanted the real me to be no more and another version to be had. 

You made the feeling of guilt feel so easy that it no longer seemed to be a bad thing. I thought if I had left that night, things would have been better for me, but then something hit me deep within my chest and had me stop in my tracks, thinking of all the memories and feelings that I had made and if it was worth letting go of knowing that deep down inside those memories and feelings are what makes me who I am. I wish I could say fuck it and drop them all, but I know part of me will miss that side and try to find it once again. I just hate the back and forth of all this, knowing that these feelings that I have are just tempory and I should just pull the trigger of letting it all go and forgetting about it all. I wish the pain no longer existed, and the thoughts of having to compete for someone's love and heart no longer came my way. I just wanted something real and true and not to be let down knowing it's so hard to find that nowadays, but part of me still wants to believe, so I'm asking you to show me the way to what my heart and mind craves so deeply. I need to do this for myself and find out if this life is really worth having. Otherwise, you can kill me off in the end and take my place, making all my wrongs go away.