Blog Post 467

Hey Megan, Sorry For Making You See a Different Side of Me

I know this is just me going out of my way to make it up to you, but somehow you came up on the list, making me feel that something was missing between the two of us. I tried my best to leave the thought of it alone and carry on as if everything was fine but then you went and started throwing punches my way making me watch you become someone else and at the time I didn’t understand it all but now that I’m older I understand that it was your way of fighting to keep me in your life even though the punches made it seem like it was a threat. I never minded the abuse because I’ve dealt with it all my life, so I thought it was normal, only to realize, in my adulthood, that the abuse you gave me should’ve never happened, and do I forgive you for the pain you caused? Yes, I do, but I can’t shake the thought of it, and that's what hurts the most. Knowing that our friendship was based on abuse, and us fighting with one another, thinking it was the right thing to do.

I’m sorry for never asking you why you were doing the things you were doing, and I’m sorry for ever making you think that it was normal for what you were doing to me. I guess the pain helped me learn to be stronger and not be so emotional over every obstacle that came my way. So I guess there was a bright side to it all, it just sucks the scars are all that’s left of us. You seemed to have loved me at one point, but suddenly changed once you found out I was switching schools as if I had died or something. I was still planning on keeping the friendship going and seeing you when you called, but you only thought that I wouldn’t have time for you when that was physically impossible because you lived right down the road from me, 2 minutes and 10 seconds to be exact, so why did you think me not seeing you was ever going to be an option?

You called me out for things that I had no control over. I was switching schools because of the bullying and trying to get away from the suicidal thoughts, and even though that part never got mentioned, it just sucks that I never told you that part. It probably would have made you see a different perspective on my life and doings. You put so much blame on me that choosing to stay friends with you made me feel trapped, to the point where letting go seemed to be the better option at the time. But I stuck through it until high school came along, and we got it all sorted out, which I thought, but turns out when I came back to being full-time, you told me things that broke me into pieces and left that whole idea of being a friend to you completely in the past. I guess I really didn’t know you like I thought I did, and for that, I can never be fully sure who ended up learning all the ins and outs of my life because it sure as hell was not the Megan I fell in love with.

The one I saw was clearly a different person, and to this day, I never really found out where the real one went, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find her. You had me in the palm of your hand, only to let me go and watch me drown in the trauma and pain I was facing from you and those around me. You laughed as if it were all a game, but the cuts were deeper than you had expected. You never truly cared for me, and I still somehow wanted to think part of it was right for switching schools. You made it seem like I was no good to you when you stayed up crying late at night in my arms, wishing that things were different between us two, knowing it could have been if you had just said you were sorry and that you wanted to make things right. But all I got from you were the tears and lies you told. You only did all that so you wouldn’t seem like a bad person, but the truth is, I never saw you as a bad person. I just saw you as a broken soul that never learned how to be loved in the right way, and I wanted to be the one to fix all of that, but instead, you pushed me out.

So yeah, maybe I’m a bit annoyed about it all, but at the end of the day, it’s the decisions we make that have an impact on the ones we love, even if that means saying goodbye to them and trying to move on from all the pain and scars they had caused, knowing it was never intentional. I can’t be mad or sad about the event that occurred but I can talk about it and let you see that what you did to me was never right and that the tears you cried should’ve been my tears but instead I held them in and let you have your way knowing that the pain you gave me was going to get the best of me if I hadn’t walked away from you sooner. I gave you one last hug, knowing that you might never see me ever again, and part of me was fine with the thought of it because I wanted you to find yourself and get the help that you deserved. You knew you’d always have my best interest, but sometimes I wondered if it was ever really worth it being there for you, knowing that the anger would come out on me as if I were a punching bag.