Blog Post 466

Hey Annsley, Sorry For Not Telling You Sooner

If you’re wondering where I went and what all happened, then you’ve come to the right post when it comes to me and the thought of you. I know my presence didn’t really seem to make much of an impact because I was never trying to force my way into your life. I was hoping that the things I was doing on the sidelines would make you think of me and maybe start a conversation, but instead, I made the first move because I got tired of waiting to call you mine. I guess you could blame that sort of thing on my adhd for being so impulsive and whatnot. I didn’t know what I was signing myself up for when it came to approaching you. I just knew the feelings that I had were telling me to make a move and see what happens. I wanted to be right about the feeling I had that maybe you might have felt the same, but turns out they were opposite.

I learned to just watch and care from a distance so none of us would feel the heartbreak. I wanted to make us work as friends but I soon realized that being friends with a girl like you would just make me spiral out and I didn’t wanna risk losing you all together so I let you to decide on what we could be and I guess you chose to completely erase me and I had to accept it even though the feelings that I had remained. I let it be, for it was, and carried on with my life, acting as if you were just a classmate even though I knew I wanted something more with you. It hurt knowing we never made it past the hey, what's up, but I think it was for the best at the time because I was still stuck on a girl from my middle school days, and it just wouldn’t have felt right being with you just to forget about her. I feel like that type of pain hurts more than actually being hurt by the ones you love. 

I guess the reality of this post is that you and I could always become friends and maybe catch up after all these years without the complications of having our feelings get in the way. I know so much time has gone by since we last spoke, but I gotta say those feelings that I had back in high school were something I enjoyed feeling. So please forgive me for not showing you how you truly made me feel. I keep thinking back to that day I got my license, wanting to see you in the passenger side with your hair flowing out of the car, holding your hand, but that’s for another time. I just think you and I could’ve been the end game, and it would have saved me so much trauma. I may be speaking out of context, but the way I felt towards you will never compare to how I think of the people that I meet now. There was just something about you that seeing you in person felt like I was dreaming every time. It’s such an indescribable feeling, honestly.

So if you’re out there reading this, I hope you see that there was always going to be a different side of me when it came to you. I wanted to make that side known to you, but it looks like life had other plans for both of us. I just hope you’re doing well, and everything you’ve ever wanted happened, and the life you dreamed of happened. I just wanted the best for you, even if it meant me watching from the sidelines. It never hurts to cheer for someone who deserves the world if you know what I mean. I just wish you could see me now and the things I’ve been through, knowing the thought of you always brought me back to where I belong. So thanks for being the light at the end of the tunnel when I get lost and lose myself in the pain and trauma that I keep having to endure. I’ll love you till the world ends.