Blog Post 465

Hey Shizzle, If You're Still Out There, Just Give Me a Call

I probably don't have a reason to wonder or ask about your doings, knowing it was my decision to let you go, and forgetting all the things we've been through since August 14th 2006. I know I probably outgrew the drama and the games that you came with, so that's probably why I put so much distance between you and me, and it was probably the worst decision I ever made. It's not like you to not find your way back to me but since that call about you needing money once again something in me sparked a flame and I decided to cut all ties leading up to you and it was a pretty rash decision and I know I'll never fully recover from that but I just gotta ask you if it was really worth the time and trouble reaching out to me begging for favor knowing that favor would lead into an over dose? I knew the reasoning behind every call we've ever had since the day you found my house number in a phone book, asking if we could date. 

I remember so much about you that it kills me not knowing anything about you other than just seeing a name with an outdated pic of you in my phone. It's sad knowing that things ended after 17 years of knowing one another because of us simply drifting apart, thinking we were better off separated from each other. But the truth is, we needed each other more than ever after high school and into our adulthood, while learning how to deal with life and all of its challenges that were thrown our way. I lost sight of everything we could have been after graduation, that no matter how many times I tried looking for you, my results were never completed. So I gave up the thought of ever finding you until one morning I found your messages, thinking this was where I could apologize and get us back on track, only to find out you only reached out because you needed money. I was so annoyed that I just threw my phone out the window and got another one.

I thought about reaching out and calling you out, but I realized it wasn't worth my time because to me it felt like you were so far gone that there was no point in seeing you as a sister, but instead just a user who's looking for a high and I didn't want to be held responsible for the overdose if you actaully had went through with the plan. You tried so hard to play victim and lie to me about your needs and wants that all the friends we used to go to school with thought I was lying, and it hurt like hell trying to save you, knowing those closest to us thought it was all a lie. So please tell me what I was supposed to do in that situation when you told me I never tried to save you from your doings when I reached out to everyone I could think of to ask about your whereabouts and check up on your well-being, only to get dial tones and a wrong number, please try again. You have no idea what you put me through trying to save you from the path you were traveling on.

I didn't mean to act so evil to you, but at the same time, you brought out a side of me that's never shown, and all I wanted to do was save you, but I guess my efforts were no good. You ended up disappearing as if the life you had meant nothing, and it made me wonder if you were ever even real, the way you called and then fell off the face of earth. Was that call your last cry for help, or was it something more that I missed? I know I said I'd call you back, but part of me knew if I had called back then I'd never forgive myself for sending you the money. I chose to forget about it all, and apparently, it came with you choosing to forget about me and everything we had / could have been. It just hurts to this day not knowing anything about you and your doings and as much as I wanna find you I can't because I wouldn't even know where to start due to the fact you changed your number so many times that evey call and text that I get claiming to be you I think it's a spam because the replies take forever to get back to me.

So if that was really you, I'm sorry for not taking it seriously, but at the same time, you gotta ask yourself how I could have taken it seriously when you never seemed to take me and the things I was trying to do for you seriously? I guess in the end, game is game, and it's just a shame it had to be played with your life. I'll never fully forget you for the things you did and asked me to do, but I will let go of the anger and guilt I hold for you. You were going through things that I myself never even imagined for you to go through, and as much as I tried to help you, I feel like my take was never enough, and that's the price I'll have to live with. Knowing I had the resources to help you, but instead I chose to forget about it because you left without a trace, and I didn't wanna waste my time searching for someone who seemed to of been a ghost when all along you were the closest thing I had to a sister and I wanted you to be in my life so damn bad but I guess life had other plans for you and I and it just sucks we didn't make it to see what our plans could've been in this life time.