Blog Post 464

Hey Lexie, If You're Reading This, Just Know You're Still the Only One on My Mind

I wish there were an easier way to let you see the other side of me without worrying about hurting you. So I’m begging you to just let me do what’s best for me until I feel ready enough to face the sound of your voice, knowing it’ll be the only thing keeping me alive from the guilt and pain that I’ve ever had to endure. I’m stuck between the thought of letting go and making you see the better side of me, even though I’m no longer sure if that side of me even exists after everything that’s been happening these past few months. I thought I wanted something real, only to find myself running from the truth and acting as if none of it existed. I started finding myself back to you as if I belong, but I’m somehow getting stuck halfway down the middle, thinking about all the pain and suffering I’ve caused because I wasn’t true to myself when it came to you. I hated the feeling of knowing I let you down and caused you more pain than good, and no matter how many times you told me it was alright and that you’d be fine, I could see it in your eyes that I was slowly killing off your spark and understanding that was more painful to me than you’d ever know.

I chose to stick by your side even though deep down inside I knew the only option was to just go my own way and let you regain your spark without the need or thought of me but then I questioned if that would be a good decision or a failure on my part because you might have ended up getting hurt in the process and put the blame on me once again. So it’s really a lose-lose situation, and as much as I wanted to find a common ground between the two of us and the situation we were going through, it never came out how we wanted it to. So I left it alone and pretended to be fine, but less social and active with you because every time I’d see you or you’d come around me, I’d have butterflies in my stomach, making me question every move I made, asking myself if I was right or wrong. I was second-guessing everything we had going on, knowing it could be the end of us for good, and even though I thought it was for the best at the time, you kept pushing it as if that was what was best for us. 

I never expected you to go out of your way and pretend the things I felt and said weren’t wrong. I wish you had just been honest with me and told me how you truly felt towards me instead of making me guess your feelings all the time. I hated not knowing if it was you or me, or you just not knowing what you wanted from me. To this day, I’m still questioning if it was ever really real or if it was just to pass the time by, and that’s what hurts me the most. Because for someone like me to have feelings for you, you had to have been one hell of a girl, but I guess my judgment was blind, and I just gotta go about my life thinking that it was never real, and you just wanted me for the time being. I just thought there was something wrong with me that made you do the things you did, and I wanted to see how I would have reacted, only to find out I wouldn’t react in the way you wanted, and I think that’s why you stuck around, and I wish you hadn’t. It never made sense to me why you had me acting out as if I wasn’t the guy for you. I guess if it’s too good to be true, then you end up sacrificing it to the point of no return, aka closure, and I guess knowing that, I think that’s why I was so upset about your doings.

We had a good thing going, only for you to jeopardize it in the midst of it all, and I just wanna ask you why you thought it was a good idea to do that? Was it worth the tears and pain that you dealt with every single night before you went to bed without me next to you? Did the thought of what we used to have and were make you realize there was never a need to blame me? I just gotta know if you still think of me, or did you really just erase me as if I was nothing, like you said you’d do? I gotta know what your feelings are on this one. I wish I could understand it from your point of view on your doings, but I’ll never get there unless you open up to me about why you did the things you did that night before I left for Florida. I know it’s been some time but you’re the only thing that’s ever been on my mind lately and for some reason I feel like I should drive back out your way and see your face and have a talk to see if we can’t make us work again but then again what good would do that do if you’re just gonna blame for coming out to see you?!

But I guess I could also go ahead and apologize for stepping out of line when it came to me thinking that what we had was real, at least that’s what I thought, and I should’ve never thought of you as something more when clearly you weren’t sure what you wanted. It’s just the way you acted towards me and made it seem I thought you wanted me all to yourself, but I guess I was wrong, or am I wrong about it all again, and instead you wanted me but didn’t know if I wanted you back, so you pushed me out, thinking it was the safer move? Because if that’s the case all you had to do was ask me because you opened up to me previously on how bad things were in your past relationship so I did all I could to prevent you from ever feeling like that but somehow I got the same treatment as you did in your previous relationship so please tell me what the point of it all was? Did you use me to get your anger out and make me suffer so you’d feel better, or did you just forget that there was going to be someone better for you out there? I wish we could go back to talking to one another so I could stop asking myself all these questions, but knowing you and how you feel towards me, it’s safe to say that my questions will never be answered, at least not in this lifetime, and that’s the sad part. Because I really did love you, even though you made it seem like it was all for show. But the only show I saw playing was the better version of myself when you and I were together as one, and to see that show slowly fade away to nothing hurt like hell.