Blog Post 463
Hey, Camryn, If You're Reading This, I'm Truly Sorry for Everything That Happened Between Us Two
I know this might not mean anything or end up going anywhere, but I’m sitting here in the dark thinking about how everything I’ve ever known and felt towards anything was all because of you, and before you stop me, I just gotta say it’s been a pleasure knowing you and thanks for helping me understand the things I felt at the time were valid! I know we had our ups and downs and eventually went our separate ways after I got it all figured out, and I’m sorry for not understanding the reasons for your absence, knowing one day I would understand it all, and I think that day has come! I wish I could tell you everything that’s been on my mind since we went our separate ways and the feelings that I felt when you left, but I know it would just make things complicated, so I’ll keep quiet and let you talk about yourself and the things you’ve done and achieved. I see the look in your eyes that you’ve been hiding something from me, and I need you to know whatever it is and say it’s okay! I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to! I enjoyed being by your side 14 years ago, so what difference does it make now? You’re still the best thing that I’ve ever known, so why would I leave you to fend for yourself, knowing we were better together! I know we might never have the chemistry we used to have, but the feelings still linger in the void, and I wish we could go back to the start and make it right because in the end, you’re worth it all as if nothing else matters!
It’s crazy how you had me all figured out, then spun it all around, making me want to forget everything about you, knowing it would kill me in the process of it all! I was breaking myself piece by piece, hoping the missing pieces would be the better versions of myself, filling in the blank spaces, but all it made you do was talk to me less, and I wish I knew where I went wrong for you to do all of that to me! Because I would have done anything to make you realize you meant everything to me! I felt as if me fighting for you was the only option, and making it known how much I cared about you, that nobody else would dare come between us two! I had you in the palm of my hands only to watch you slip away as if you never belonged in my life, and it hurt like hell watching you fade away! I wanted to chase after you, but the feeling of losing you made me lose sight of everything we once were, and I suddenly became numb to the thought of us, and it caused me to break down and mess everything up between the two of us, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for doing that to you and me! You were one of a kind, and for me to act out as if I could find better was a selfish move! It’s been so long trying to figure out what we were fighting for and what the situation was, even about to the point of no return, that we simply just drifted further and further apart!
It’s like I was thrown out into the deep end, not knowing how to swim, when it came to us parting ways, knowing that the other side would reveal all the answers that I had! I wanted to understand the reasons for everything we went through, and not just have it all be for nothing! I wanted to find the answers the right way and not have to panic when the thought of you occurred, knowing that’s all that would be happening when it came to you! I wanted to find clarity in the mess we created and find a common ground before we dived back into the deep end, knowing one of us would drown from the guilt, and I guess that person was going to be me from the beginning. Not because it was my fault, but because I never wanted you to feel upset or hurt, and by sacrificing myself, I thought it would have made you feel better and have you see a different side of me! I wanted you to understand that the guy you heard about was nothing like what they told you about! I cared about you more than anything at the time, and I guess my sacrifice was the only way to let you see that! I know it was selfish of me to put myself in the position of no return, but if it meant you living a safe and happy life, then my choices were valid at the time! I didn’t need a reason for the things I did when you were the only thing I had at the time, and seeing how everything has changed and come to be after all these years, I’d say I made the right choice!