Blog Post 462

I Miss You, But I'll Never Admit It!

I wish I could explain it to you face-to-face in the front seat of your car, but ever since we’ve gone our separate ways, it’s been hard for me to let go of all these thoughts I have towards you, and even though things ended on mutual respect and agreement, part of me still wants you next to me! I know how stupid I must sound wanting someone next to me, knowing I wasn’t a good match for them! Maybe I’m just sad about the situation that we had, and now things feel so empty, and I’m trying my best to keep it together, but at the same time, it’s not working for me! I could say I want you back all day long, but I know deep down inside you being next to me is no longer a good idea! I’ve changed, you’ve changed, and the world keeps on spinning! I know the ins and outs of everything you do and say to the point where I don’t even have to ask you anything! It’s crazy how much time I spent learning you only to watch you fade into the background as if you never existed! I tried so hard to find the love I once had for you, but somewhere down the road, I found myself just running in circles, realizing it’s forever gone, and it hurt like hell coming to that realization!

I know there were probably better options for reaching out and hearing your voice, but my dumb ass decided to ignore all the signs and act as if everything was fine when in reality nothing was really fine with me once you left! My head and heart were searching for the answers, only to come out empty-handed! I wish I could go back to the thought of you and everything we were. But, I know that would make things worse for my mental health, so I just casually walked away from the thought of you, hoping it would make me realize the mistakes that we made were for the better, so we could learn how to communicate with one another after things went south! I hate how my feelings never really saw the light of day when it came to you, but at the same time, what if the feelings I had were just being mirrored off of you, so in reality, those feelings may or may not have been really mine. I don’t wanna be with someone where I can’t differentiate my feelings from someone else’s because I chose to hide mine and just mirror off the ones that are closest to me! It would all just be a lie, and when it comes to breaking it down, I’m seen as an ass because everything I felt was all just a lie and not truly me, and for that, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for doing that to you!

So I gotta ask you what exactly was the point of you being with me, and the feelings that you had and disclosed to me were they really real or just for show, because I’m having such a hard time looking back and realizing it was never me! I was just playing the part and hoping you wouldn’t get hurt about it! I feel like the whole situation was a lie, and you went along with it because at the time, you just didn’t wanna feel alone! I know me staying made things feel better, but when I left, you’d go off on me, thinking I’m out doing this that and the third, making it harder for me to be myself and live a life where I’m comfortable! I felt like every time I’d leave your house, you’d just come crashing out on me, even though I left telling you I loved you, and for you to spin that shit around made things more complicated for me! I thought what we had was good and well, but I guess you thought of me in a different way, and I apologize for not understanding it from your perspective! I thought we were just friends having a good time and letting things happen, but I guess you went off on your own, trying to rush into my life, knowing my life has no room for others, and once you knew that, you spiraled out, blaming it on me, knowing I have no control over the things that happened from my past!

I only have control over the things I can and can’t tolerate, and the stunt you tried to pull had to be shut down immediately because I’m not trying to go back and forth on my trauma with a person who thinks they can handle it all in one sitting! The trauma I hold runs deeper than an open discussion, something you tried so hard to force out of me, thinking it would help you get closer to me, but instead, it just made me push you out of my life even more! You never really thought of me as a person, you only thought of me as a subject you could try and surpass but instead you failed and now you’re stuck asking yourself where you went wrong when I tried to explain to you that I’m not someone you can read or understand easily! Everything about me is like a puzzle so you’d have to take your time and if you don’t then you’ll be locked out forever and what did you do?! You lied to me, telling me okay, and then proceeded to rush your way into someone you didn’t actually care about! So, of course, I shut you out and made you feel guilty for the things you did! I let you fall because you were never going to be ready to spread your wings, thinking that all the apologies you made to me were going to make things better between us two! There’s no amount of apologies or sympathy you could throw my way to ever make me feel sorry for you! So please stop telling me how sorry you are and go work on the trauma you’re dealing with behind closed doors instead of trying to fix another person!