Blog Post 461
I Can't Decide If I'm Over You or Not
I think I can go ahead and move on from the thought of you and all our doings since you haven’t made an effort to reach out or call to make sure things were good between us two. I take it you found something better or someone else to take your mind off of me and your pain, which is great since I’m no longer considered the cause of it. I hope you know it was never personal between you and me. I just felt as if I needed to get away for a bit and learn from my own mistakes, and I couldn’t do that if I was just going to be making them while learning from them. I apologize if my break and distance made you feel some type of way, it was never to make you feel like I didn’t care or love you. I just felt it was necessary to correct my flaws that were showing, and trying to work on fixing them behind closed doors. I felt as if I stayed with you, then things would have just been more complicated than what they really were.
You were right about me hiding my feelings towards you so I wouldn’t get hurt or hurt you in the process of being with you, and for that I’m sorry. I thought it would have just been easier for us to be together, but I was wrong, and I’m sorry things didn’t work out how you wanted them to. I wish I could get to know you again, but too much time has passed to the point where you seem better off without me. Which is totally valid and understandable, but I wish there was a way to be in your life again, but I fear that all my chances are used up, and all I can do is just let you be and enjoy your life without my existence. I never meant for you to get hurt, let alone have you stop speaking to me. I know speaking with me put a smile on your face, but I wish I wasn't the only thing putting a smile on your face at the time. I wish you could have found your sense of purpose in life with other things instead of making your entire life about me. It was kind of hard trying to live a life and make things up as we go when all you did was be concerned with my doings and whereabouts. I never really understood that about you.
It’s not like you were going to lose me to someone else or altogether if something sparked my interest. I would have asked you to tag along and go from there. You acted as if what we had couldn’t be real or as if it wasn’t real unless I opened up to you. It made me feel a bit trapped, not knowing where I stand with the feeling I had for you. I know you felt something towards me for a while, but seeing you in person made me feel things I never felt before, and I needed to catch my breath at times because I kept wondering what a girl like you was doing with a guy like me, knowing I’m not cut out to be for anyone long term. It killed me knowing the things I wanted to say to you, but I chose to stay quiet so my feelings didn’t end up getting hurt, or worse, I’d spiral out and lose my mind to the love you chose to give and show me. Being next to you was like stepping on eggshells hoping the thing I do and say don’t make you mad or sad knowing that’s just how I am when I’m comfortable around someone, they get to see another side of me and it explains why I am the way I am and it’s unfortunate I never got to show that side of me to you and I honestly regret it.
It’s like part of me fears the thought of you hating me for what I’m capable of and choose to hide away that it kills me that I have to feel like I can’t be myself with you all of the time and I know that must frustrate you but I do my best to show you a side of me most people don’t ever see even if sometimes I gotta rewind the things I feel for you so I can have it last a bit longer. I wish we could go back to being on good terms, but right now it’s kind of sad knowing that the distance that we have with one another is because of me, and I don’t think I’ll ever find the right words or way to make it up to you. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to go about it, but right now I don’t think doing those things is what you need. I know my time away from you made my feelings for you stronger, but I choose to just keep walking the other way so I don’t go back to hurting you, knowing it’s killing me in the process of trying to avoid hurting you again.