Blog Post 460

You Wanted My Last Name, But All I Was Capable of Giving You Was Pain!

I know you’re gonna hate this, but it’s too bad because I've been hating on you and everything we became after the fights spiraled out of our control. You ended up saying and doing some shit you weren’t proud of, only to put the blame all on me, which is fine because at the time I understood your reasoning for it, and I wasn’t trying to argue back and forth on it. I just wanted you to express yourself, knowing that the ones around you never gave you the time of day to do it, so I gave you every chance to do so, only to find out the love you wanted and needed wasn’t going to be with me, and I mean that with the most respect possible. I just knew what you needed wasn’t going to be from someone like me. I didn’t see the point in trying to put myself in a position I’m not suited for; it’s like asking me to be someone I’m not. Every time I try to be someone I’m not for someone else, it always goes to shit. So I had to let you know that what you’re looking for and wanting isn’t going to be with a guy like me, and when I told you to go find something better, you went off on me as if I was in the wrong, and that’s where shit had me so confused.

If I understand your needs and wants and tell you that’s not me, why would you go off on me as if I had a problem with what you were saying? I didn’t have a problem with you or your needs I was just being honest with you and letting you know that the guy you’re looking for and wanting isn’t me because the things you need and want I can never measure up to that so why would I lie and tell you that I can be the guy you need when it would just be a lie. Look, you’re one of the chillest and honest girls I know, so why would I bother lying to you, trying to make it seem like I’m the right guy for you when we both know I’m going to become the worst version of myself when it comes to making sure you’re safe and well. I feel like the chemistry between us two would just fade for the worst, and what we have right now is perfect, so why change it? I know you feel some type of way towards me, and I feel something towards you, but why would I tell you when you just told me that I could never measure up to you and your needs? I’m rather just keep you at arm's reach and keep it on the safe side. I don’t care for the back and forth, so can we just forget about the things we said and move on as if it never happened?

I know you think I’m just trying to avoid myself from getting hurt and hurting you but reality is I’m trying my best not to say or do anything to lose you and we end up never talking to one another knowing that somewhere down the road we’re on it’ll lead us back to one another and I don’t wanna have bad blood with you knowing that you mean the world to me without you knowing how I really feel about you. I think about you almost every hour of the day, thinking about how different our lives could have been if I weren’t so stupid about my feelings and trying to keep you at a distance so you wouldn’t get hurt. I know me being this way is the only to protect me and those I care about but sometime I wish I could just be next to you and let you in and have you see the real me but then again I don’t know if the real me is even worth seeing or talking to, I think the real me is just a mixture of everyone that’s ever hurt me and the feelings just get confused on what I should really be feeling other than numbness and anger. I wish I could cry about the things that hurt me instead of getting angry or simply shutting down and acting as if it never bothered me, and faking a smile in the meantime.

I can’t describe the pain or the things that I feel most days, so I just don’t bother with the thought of feeling anything. I feel like having feelings prevents me from seeing what’s real and what’s fake. I try so hard to keep things real and true, but when the feelings get involved, I feel like nothing’s really real or true unless I go completely numb, and then I can see things for what they are, and that’s why I choose to avoid my feelings and prevent myself from getting close to others. I keep things surface level and do my best to avoid getting attached to others because I know sooner or later they’ll just be a memory, and I have enough memories saved in my head that the pain is all I can think of when it comes to looking back on how things used to be. So yeah, I’m sorry if you think you can get close to me when I know what that means for me, and I’m not trying to experience that sort of pain or trauma anymore. So please forgive me for packing up my things and leaving you without a trace.