Blog Post 459

Wondering What Heaven's Like For You Without Me There

I never really open up about the people I’ve lost in my life, but seeing the memories play back of you reminded me of how much you really meant to me, even though we’d go head-to-head on certain things that never made much sense at the time! I wish I could have been more open about what I felt and more honest about what went on behind closed doors in my life, but I chose to hide it all away so you wouldn’t get angry or feel the same pain I did while going through it! I wanted you to think I was fine and well, but deep down inside, I was going through hell and back trying to keep a smile on my face, knowing if I didn’t have one, then you’d go through hell and back finding out what caused the sadness that I held in my eyes. 

I know I keep most of the battles I go through out of sight, but the pain still makes its presence in the eyes of those that are closest to me, and sometimes it gets to a point where me being alive just makes it worse! I wish I could close my eyes and let go of all the pain and trauma that I’ve endured, but then I feel like I’ll lose myself in the process of it all! Because everything I am and know is because of all the trauma and pain that I was put through, so without it, I don’t know if my mind and body would ever feel the same afterwards! I know I could have been a better friend and a more caring one instead of a temporary one, but then again, I wouldn’t have had the lessons taught to me on how to be a better friend to you or those I come across! I feel like my existence is no longer the same without you being here! It’s like everything I am and know is all because of you, and now that you’re gone, I’m asking myself if anything is really real or if it’s just a lie to feel alive!

They say time heals as you move on and live a little, but how can I live a life knowing the one person that I cared for the most and cared for me to the moon and back is no longer part of this universe?! You expect me to act as if everything is fine when the person I love and need the most is now gone, and there’s no other person who will ever understand the things I do and say without the fear of being judged! You expect me to open up to you as if you understand where I’m coming from? You think you can handle the trauma and pain that I hold?! Get the fuck outta here! You will never come close to replacing them! Not now, not ever! So please don’t stand here acting as if you know anything about the chemistry we had and the things we lived through! You don’t know me, and you clearly didn’t know them as I knew them! So please stop acting as you did!

I hate how everything I know is because of you, and thinking that we would have had a lot more time together, but I guess heaven couldn’t wait to have you, and I don’t blame them when you’re the most caring and loving person I’ve ever met and known! It suck’s having the memories play back without you laying next to me and wondering if things could have ever been different between us two, knowing in another life they could have been, but I wouldn’t change a thing when it came to you! You were picture perfect, and the love you gave made me feel like I was right where I belonged! But now that you’re gone, it feels like hell not knowing where I belong or where I stand in life without you next to me! I wish I could find you in the midnight sky and tell you all the things that I miss doing with you, but then again, you already know! I just wish you didn’t have to watch me make mistakes from above, and instead you could help me fix the things that I have trouble with, as you’ve always done! I miss everything about you that I wish I could be up there in the heavenly sky with you!