Blog Post 458

Stuck in Time Thinking About What We Had

I know how this might go down because I’ve seen it all before, and that’s my reasoning for not taking a chance on you. The streets know my name and the lights hold the flame of no return so why do I have to keep traveling down this road thinking that at the end of the road I’ll be able to call you mine when in reality somewhere down the road I’ll stop and ask myself if you’re really worth the time and effort only to back out and tell myself you’re not her. It’s nothing really against you or the things you did. I can’t get over my first love, and I know I should be capable of letting go of something so traumatizing to my life and well-being, but I let it linger and come to terms with the love I give and hold will only ever be good enough for her and only her. I can’t defend my needs or wants when it comes to the things I do and say without coming out as an ass, and that’s why I choose to stay in the dark and avoid the chaos that people desperately crave to be in. I know my whereabouts will never be publicly known or recognized, and I don’t think I’ll ever let the ones closest to me know my whereabouts ever again. I need my time to be alone and reflect on all the things I’ve done and find my way back to the arms of the one who made it seem safe to be myself, but until then, there’s no need for you to keep pursuing or keeping tabs on me, knowing there’s nothing left to say or do when it comes to me. 

I can give you the benefit of the doubt that you can be a friend of mine, but for how long is the real question here. Because most of my friends aren’t even friends they’re just season tickets to this and that and after its done and over with they no longer hear from me and I continue with my life so please let me know what it really is you want and need from me because at the end of the day you’ll still mean nothing to me and I’ll forget all about the things that happened in that short amount of time and talking to you. I need someone who’s going to be honest and straight up from the jump and not just sugarcoating shit as they speak. Just let me know what your purpose is going to be for me, and I’ll decide if you’re something that I need; otherwise, you’re just going to be wasting your time and then blame me for doing so, which is out of my jurisdiction because I asked you to be honest and you weren’t. So what happens now is totally your doing and not mine, so do me a favor and carry on somewhere else rather than trying to make me seem like I’m in the wrong. 

You think you can march your way into my life, not knowing that the life you chose to enter serves no purpose. So if I come out as cold and nonchalant, it's probably for the best if you steer clear because nothing good ever comes to those who get too close to me. They either see the other side of me and think it’s not normal, or they’re simply trying to escape from me when the door is wide open, but can’t go through with it because they think they can change the things that are wrong with me when the devil inside of me keeps coming back to prove them wrong. It’s like no matter how much you try to get to know and care for me, the other side will come out to play and show you why you should’ve just kept to yourself and away from me. So please save me the hassle of opening up to you and just find your way back home because if you continue coming my way you’re bound to lose your self in the process and, as much as I wanna lock the doors and turn the lights off you’ll already be inside thinking that it’s safe when the inside of my head is far from safe.

Being on the other side of that door and inside my head is like a maze that never ends. You might think you got me figured out, but honestly, there will just be another puzzle for you to figure out. The cycle just repeats until there’s nothing left of you, and you walk out telling your self that you tried your best to get things figured out but in reality all you did was put your flaws onto me and I mirrored them and you couldn’t fix what you didn’t see wrong that’s why it never really works out when it comes to me. I wish I could apologize for my actions, but how or why should I be apologetic when I told you from the start that what you’re doing is pointless, yet you still somehow thought you were strong enough to try but failed yourself in the end? I’m just chilling, not a care in the world about your failure. Because why should I feel some type of way when my mind and heart were calm behind closed doors until you chose to break your way in? I think it’s fair game for what you did to me.