Blog Post 457

I Don't Want to Live a Life Where You're Not Next to Me

Hey, sorry for the late responses to everything that’s going on with me and my doings, but I’ve been thinking of you and everything you’ve ever done and made me feel, and it’s come to my conclusion that living a life without you is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be! I know I went down the wrong road to figure things out, but while I was on that road, you were the only thing that kept me from losing myself! I know what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I just don’t want to lose you in the process of me finding my way! I know my doings are usually unpredictable and chaotic but my feelings for you are real and true, and I wanna deny them and forget I ever let you see a side me that no one ever sees but somewhere down the line of me being with you it made me realize that you’re mine and I’m having a really hard time of letting you go! 

I know these things rarely ever happen to me, but losing all control of my mind and heart really made me wonder if being with you was ever going to really work! I’m more of an independent and deep caring to those I really love and care about, and you’re free-spirited, and I just didn’t wanna make it seem like I was holding you back or having you become someone you’re not when you were with me! I took my time and kept my distance at the start, only to find out you wanted me closer and closer. I guess knowing how I am when people get close to me, things sorta hit the fan, and shit escalates, and seeing it first hand to having it escalate really upset me, and going ghost from you was my only way of dealing with it all, knowing I should’ve just stayed and comforted you. Still, I chose not to because I knew seeing the tears you cried out would have put me in a state of shock, and I wasn’t trying to process that type of pain! So I guess I was only looking out for myself when I should’ve been looking out for you the whole time, and I can see what I did was wrong. I need to work on staying after things don’t always go as planned and find another way to fix it, or better yet, just find another answer & reasoning behind my actions so it doesn’t happen again!

I don’t know, being away from you for this long has been nothing but a back-and-forth battle with my mind and heart and everything that’s happened in my past, thinking that maybe my existence really isn’t needed for anyone! I feel as if all I’m really doing is just hurting and killing those closest to me when it was never my intention to! I wanna be able to love those that I care about, but every time I try, they just end up getting hurt, so I don’t bother with them or the feeling and gestures of love, and I know that’s what makes me feel/seem cold, but I feel like it’s just safer that way! I know you said that I’d probably come find you when the timing was right, and the memories come back to me, but I’m not sure if the timing for you, and I will ever be correct! We’re so far behind from what’s really important for us right now that it seems like I would just be rushing into a relationship with you that you probably don’t even want or care to make work, and I don’t blame you! I feel like you have every right to give up on me and the things we talked about, but somehow I know the things you said you want will be a reality. I just don’t think it’ll ever be with me, which is the sad part! I know you have me figured out from the inside and out, and that’s the crazy part, because nobody’s ever had me figured out until you and I were in the front seat of your car talking it out! I hate how we will never get back to that. I don’t know. I just miss you, and I know you probably miss me, but I’m sure you’re busy with other things in your life. I just feel like if I came back into your life or reached out again, it would only make you hate me even more, and I don’t wanna have you hate me, but then again, I get the thought of what if me not reaching out is making you hate me even more! I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do when it comes to you, and I know what you need me to do. I just don’t know if the truth is going to matter when it’s told or if it’ll tear us apart even more!