Blog Post 455

Looking Back on the Things I've Done

If I could choose anyone to talk and write about, I'd choose you every time, and there's nothing you could ever do or say to make me change my mind. You're the only one who keeps me motivated and at peace with my inner thoughts when the words don't come out the way they should. I have a hard time explaining my reasons for everything I do and say, but when I look your way, it all makes sense somehow. It's like all the answers that I need you hold in your hands, and all I gotta do is find a way to get close to you so I can stop asking all these questions about the things that don't make sense. But the problem with me getting close to you is the fear of hurting you, letting you down, and breaking your heart somewhere down the line. I know that doesn't sound like something I'd ever do to you, but it's the only thing that's holding me back from being with you, knowing the chemistry we have is like no other. So tell me how a guy like me is supposed to be with a girl like you when all he's ever done is hurt the ones he got close to.

I can't keep living a life where I'm loving you from a distance, so please forgive me if I'm overstepping and going out of my way to be closer to you, but if the feelings that I have for you are real, then why not make them known to you? I know my part has always been a tempory role in your life, so I didn't end up hurting you, but what if the timing is now for us to be as one instead of two halves watching out for one another, making sure we're both okay? Would it be so wrong if I chose to get a bit closer to you, or will you push me to the side as if I were doing too much? Will the thought of me make it worse, or would it make you feel better knowing that I'm willing to give you the love that you deserve? I'm not trying to bother you with my doings or sayings but the things we talk about and have plans for seem like you wanna go ahead and get it done or atelast make an attempt to make it work one way or another and I'm not sure if you really mean it or if you're just trying to see where my head is at with all the things you mention about having and doing with me.

I don't wanna make the mistakes with you that I made in my past, knowing that I was never the best version of myself and it was all just an act, but with you, I can be myself with no strings attached. I would just hate to lose myself to someone who means the world to me, only to find out they were using me for their own needs, and it was all an act. I know that's not you, so don't make me think you are. I think someone like you just needs to be true to themselves at all times, like how I know you are and do. I know somewhere down the line I might question your doings, but it's only because it doesn't make sense as to why you did it, knowing how you were brought up and raised. I know you know me like the back of your hand, but then other times I feel like you don't know me at all when my past mistakes come back to haunt me. I wish I could let things slide and move on from it all, but if I'm going to be the guy you want, then I gotta face my trauma and let go of all the pain that I desperately try to avoid at all times. I just don't want to be the guy you hate because I couldn't find it in me to let go of the past, knowing what you and I have right now is all that matters.