Blog Post 451
Ended Up on the Wrong Path
I was well aware of where the road you told me to avoid had lead but somewhere down the line, I wanted to go out of my way and see if what you were saying was true or not! There was nothing really left for me to lose other than my sight and beating heart! It never occurred to me that me taking that road would lead me into a situation of illegal doings and substance abuse! I thought if I had kept quiet and avoided others, nothing would have seemed out of place or broken within me, but I was wrong! Everybody around me could see all the broken pieces to me and the fake persona I tried to upkeep so they wouldn’t ask questions!
It’s almost as if the person everyone once knew died, and the one they see now is someone they’ve only seen in a dream, and I can’t help but look at them as if I’ve never seen them before! It’s crazy how they think they know me and what I’m about, but how is that so when I don’t even know who I am? I'm still trying to figure out this thing called life! I’m on my last life of finding a way out, but every time I try to escape, I’m pulled back in by the thought of being someone that I’m not, and it kills me every time, making me turn into someone else, not knowing who or what they meant to me! It's like my true self is off the coast of Mexico, and I’m stuck digging for someone who doesn’t even exist! So I just goto the closest person to me and mirror off of them and hope it last only to be asked what I’m doing and who I am?! I try so hard to be what others perceive as normal, but the only thing I’m doing is losing myself to someone else every time, and it makes it even harder to remember who I once was!
I turn off the voices in my head, hoping to remember the past and find the meaning behind all of this, but nothing seems to work or guide me to the person that I once was! It’s all just a blur and a hit of dopamine, and once the dopamine runs out, the pain comes back to haunt me from all my doings, and sometimes I feel like the silver bullets aren’t such a bad idea at times! It’s not like I’m living for anybody or have something to live for! So why not just end it all and let the secrets that I’ve been holding in reach the surface level and let everybody around me understand why they couldn’t get close to me! I wish I could have them all understand, but I know if the secrets got out, then my life would just continue to bring more chaos than comfort! So I keep them tucked away and forget all about them, even though it’s the only thing that’s truly keeping me from being my true self, even though nobody truly knows me.