Blog Post 448

Never Meant to Let You In!

Seasons change, but my feelings for you still remain. So tell me why we keep going back and forth with this thing called love when it's killing every part of us that makes us who we are. You and I keep going back and forth on this and that, but then we don't talk over the smallest change and shift in tone, and then we wonder what could have caused the change when it was really nothing in particular. It's just two dumb egos thinking that they're better than one another, which is crazy because I never saw you as my compitiontion so please explain why everything I do or say, you gotta go out of your way and outdo me in some sort of way. I never understood that shit about you, I feel like if you wanted to compete the whole time, then we could have just stayed friends and let the egos go head to head whenever, but you wanted to pursue a relationship knowing damn well I steer clear from those. So why go through all that trouble and drama just to tell me in the end how much you hate me? It honestly makes no sense for you to go from loving me to hating me within a flick of a switch. Maybe I misjudged you or the things that you were doing and trying to commit to, but I thought it was pretty obvious as to what we both were looking for, so why are you constantly switching roles and acting as if it's my fault?

I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking and overanalyzing the shit you're doing and making me go through but I can't help but think what we have was all a lie at some point. I thought I needed you like you needed me, but it was never that. I only needed you to prevent others from breaking my heart, and I guess getting closer to you was easier than having to do it with someone else, and I know how fucked up that sounds, and I apologize for that. It's just I knew if I had fallen in love with you, then I would have cut you loose to avoid the trauma and pain that it comes with, so I did what I thought was best and kept everything at a surface level and at arm's reach, not knowing you would one day break me into pieces. I thought by keeping you at a distance, things would be easy, but I was wrong. I was only doing more harm than good, and I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that. I just didn't want to lead you on or make you assume that just because I let you in, it meant that we were a thing when, in reality, I'll never fully put myself in a position where I'm in a relationship with someone else. I can't help but think that me being in a relationship with someone's daughter will only bring more harm to me, and I can't let myself keep going through that anymore.

I'm learning how to be more aware of the things people want from me and keeping an eye out for anything unfamiliar and strange in my proximity. I can't help but have my heart be bulletproof, and the things I feel stay to a minimum now. I never meant to be the guy who was seen as heartless and careless when, in reality, I used to be the exact opposite of those things. It's just from me being put in uncertain situations and people using me as they pleased changed the way I think and feel about how I engage with those around me and those trying to come around me. I'd hate the thought of being the guy they hate, but I can't help myself when my heart is done being taken for granted, and the feelings for others are no longer how they should be. I did all I could to protect myself, and it turns out I did it all too well to the point where I no longer let others get close to me. You can try breaking your way through all you want, but it's not going to change the way I think or feel about letting others get close to me. 

I need my space and time to process the unhealed and traumatized version of myself to eventually allow others to see the better version of me, but until then, there's not much for me to show or tell. So please give it a rest and leave me alone. I don't need your protection or comfort when the demons inside me are the ones watching over me. I don't care for the love you give. I have all the love I need, and it's not the kind that's temporary or only shown when you need something. So please fuck off and let me breathe while I still can, you showing up has no meaning or purpose to me. I'm good where I'm at right now, and the things I have going on in my life don't need your apporvals so let me do what I do best, and you can go do what you do best back where you came from. That's all I'm going to say, and if I sound stuck up or simply angry, it's because I am. I'm sick of having to repeat myself over shit that's basic math for 7-year-olds. So please I beg of you to just let me do what I need to do, and maybe one day you and I can pick up where we last left off, but as of right now, I don't wanna continue living a life where you're in it.