Blog Post 445

Is It Alright With You If I Just Let Go of Everything We Have?

I get that this is me just being highly direct and honest with you and myself, but I just gotta know if it will be okay if I let go of what we had and fall back out of love to find the true meaning of what I'm supposed to do. I feel like the lies are catching up, and I won't have much time to explain my reasons for going ghost and leading you to wonder about my doings and my whereabouts. I know we never agreed upon having forever with one another, but for right now, that's where my head is at right now and I just gotta know if me being here and there for you forever will be the best decision, or will it break me in the end, thinking I was man enough to go through with it all. I need to figure out if my existence means anything to you or if it's jsut a distraction from something better. I wish I had all the answers to my questions and yours, but right now all I have is a list of all my wrongs, and I need to make things right before I continue my existence with you.

I'd hate to go around playing the blame game when the eyes never lie, but the heart may have its limits to where all it can do is lie, and I can't have that. I need to erase the names that caused my trauma and move on with my life, and not feel so trapped all the time. There are times when just a certain smell and sound reminds me of those who did me wrong, and I'm tired of it all. I need to find a way for you to understand that it's never about you or the things you do or say; it's just my mind is still at war with those from my past, and I'm in a place where I want to erase them all from my memories, regardless of whether the memories were good or bad. I need to find my way back home, and the only for me to do that is to clear out the memories and have a clear path to the things I know I'm good at and go back to listening to my heart, but even that will take some time due to the fact I forgot how to read the signs of what to do when the heart calls out for the things it wants.

I just wish I had a sign that things between you and I will be alright after everything here is set and done. I'd hate to come back and find out you fell into pieces seeing me do all the things I did to make a better version of myself, knowing it was all for you and nobody else. I don't care to ask for much, but a little bit of faith in me while the city lights shine bright. I wish I could hold you one last time, but it's best if I just keep my distance from a far and let you see the better man that I can be for you. I need some time to keep my whereabouts hidden and out of the public eye because lurking eyes prey upon me every day, wishing the worst for me, and right now, I just don't need that when the relationship between us two is at high risk. So please just give me the time to make things right and make things feel like they belong without the tears falling down from your eyes.