Blog Post 444

Had to Stop Myself From Running Away

You found me in pieces, thinking you could put the missing pieces back together, but you were only losing yourself trying to fill in the gaps. I tried my best to stop you from losing yourself, but you pushed me to the side, thinking it was best for me while you went out and tried to find the remaining pieces. I held my breath, having every memory fade away before it got a chance of being let out. I lost control in the process of keeping calm to the point where my true self spiraled out and left you in distress about what to do next. I left it up to the shadows to hide away the pain I chose to keep so you wouldn't lose focus on what we had. I lost the meaning of everything we were to the point where your face felt unfamiliar to me, and the touch you had felt unsafe, to where I pulled away, thinking you were just out to use me til I had nothing left to give. You were somebody so close to me, but now you're just a memory trying to make your way back to where you once were in my life, but the problem with that now is I'm not sure where you stand in my life. You seem so unrecognizable with the things you say and do that it makes me wonder if you were ever truly mine to hold.

It's like I know what I had prior to me losing all the pieces of me, but when I see you, it's like a blank canvas, trying to figure it out, knowing the imagery isn't quite loading for how it should be. I feel as if we've met before, but it's hard to picture you in my life when you're too much of an unknown in my life now. I guess letting go had me finding my way back to you as if I had taken the wrong path to finding my way back or something. I wish I had known the purpose of your existence, but there's nothing there. Even when you smile and tell me that it's going to be okay, I'm still not sure what you mean by that. It's like the thought of you just disappears every time we go our separate ways, and when you're near, there's just more questions as to why you're trying to help me when you don't even know me it feels like. The thought of someone helping me feels so new to me that pushing back is the only thing that comes to mind. Because out of all the people you're choosing to help, you chose me? You act as if I have something to give to you, but the truth is, there's nothing for me to give to you other than a broken heart.

So please tell me why you decided to come find me even though I went into the unknown, thinking that if you found me, I'd remember you? You knew from the moment I went into the void that every memory that I once held onto would have been erased, so why go through all that trouble just for me to not recognize you? It's like you set yourself up for failure, and it's making me wonder if I was wrong for doing what I did when, at the time, it was the only way to prevent myself from hurting you and those around me. It's almost as if you thought the choices that I made would have made things better when, in reality, I was just trying to erase the trauma, and the thought of me ever hurting you would never come to light. So tell me once again why you steer into the direction of the void as if it would make me remember anything about you and me together? I drove into the darkness with one hand on the wheel, hoping I'd lose sight of everything around me to the point where street signs became too blurry to read, and the trees ahead would help me from the thought of hurting you again.