Blog Post 441
I Never Knew How You Felt Until Today
I know you’re going to probably hate me for reaching out to someone close to you and asking how you’ve been and why the things that happened between us had to happen when everything between us was perfectly fine! I thought the feelings were mutual, and everything was right from the jump, but I guess you thought my feelings were fake, and you seemed to be trying to find the real meaning behind the things I was doing and saying, when in reality, there was nothing for me to hide from you! Everything I had said was true and real. There was never a time when I doubled back and tried to rethink of a way to get it right when everything just seemed so right either way between us two!
It was like a scene out of a movie every time I’d see you walking by, thinking, god damn, what an angel you are, the way your smile lit up a room full of darkness! It was like nothing else I’ve ever seen or dreamed of before! I wanted you all to myself, knowing there were others on your mind, but I didn’t care! As long as I was better and treated you the way you deserved, I didn’t think anything of it! I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated you and cared about you! You were the only one I ever noticed in a hallway full of people!
I just wish I could have let you know how much of an impact you made on me and my life, knowing how to feel the things I was feeling and not have to run away from them, thinking it would be best for me if I just avoided them! I know my mistakes made you see a different side of me, but without those mistakes being made, how could I have ever progressed into the better man that I am today?! You were the original blueprint of everything I needed to know and understand about the feelings of love and how to do it correctly! It all leads back to you, whether you believe it or not! It was like a sign from the gods above to let me know that you’d be my everything I needed, and I knew if I had messed it up, then there wouldn’t be a second chance to get it right! So I did what I could to understand you on a more honest and deeper level of trust that everybody else just ended up fading away!
I wanted to understand the reasons for the feelings I had for you when you were just a kid at the time, and so was I, but for some reason, everything just felt like it was meant to be but I guess my mind was just playing tricks on me, and I wasn’t truly seeing things for what they really were! It was like my whole world shattered when you said goodbye to me, knowing I could have done something to prevent the goodbyes from happening, but instead I just stood there watching you walk away, knowing there was nothing I could have done! I tried to reach out, but I knew there was nothing to talk about that wasn’t already said, so I just swiped out the app and thought about how things could have been different between us two if I had just chased after you, asking if we could just make it last just a few more days! I hated the thought of us never seeing one another, but life has plans for us in different ways, and I guess for me, you weren’t part of the plan, and it hurt like hell knowing I had to do everything on my own without your help!
Every time I see you now, it’s like seeing a ghost from my past trying to give me a sign, but the signs are blank, and I just wonder to myself if this is the part I’m supposed to chase after you and possibly get it right with you?! But I know that’s never the point, so I just ignore the thought of you and the sight of you, hoping it was just a coincidence and nothing more! We both have different lives, and I don’t wanna be a burden to you or make you feel like you did something wrong when it was me who messed up and had to live with the regret of not chasing after you! I just never knew losing you would have this much of an effect on me and my life! It’s almost as if you were my soul mate from the moment I laid my eyes on you, only to let you go! It was a stupid mistake on my part, but how was I supposed to know about that sort of thing when I was just a kid trying to learn how to be a better man and also on the verge of suicide at the time?!
I reached out to you several times, hoping there would be a chance you’d reply back. But instead, I got nothing back, and I didn’t blame you for it! I just thought maybe you were busy or just simply forgotten about me! It was never that serious of a thought to me, but the fact that I tried to let you know that I was there for you is something I’ll never regret doing! I wanted to let you know that, no matter where we were in our lives, you could have always reached out and spoken to me. I never lost feelings for you or anything at the time; I just became numb to them! I still think about you and hope you’re doing well beyond all means, but sometimes I wish I could talk to you in person again! But I know that will never happen because we chose the paths we wanted, and we both decided it would be best if we didn’t have ties to one another, but I sometimes wish I had never taken that path!
I wish I could go back in time and choose the path where I’d be close enough to you that I could be part of your life as a friend that you could go to for help, or just when you needed someone to cry to! I just wish I could have been there for you when you felt unwanted or unloved, and it kills me knowing you had to face that alone when I was right down the street from you all that time! I can never forgive myself for letting you feel that way when I was out thinking everything was fine and well with you! But I guess even behind the smiles and beauty, there’s always a hidden pain that’s waiting to be seen, and I’m so sorry that I never got the chance to let you express that pain and hurt to me!