Blog Post 440

Go Ahead and Tell 'Em

It's just funny to me how you get attached to others who tend to hurt you the most, but go completely silent from the ones who treat you the best way possible. It's almost as if the pain you chase is deep within the trauma that you hold, and it's quite fascinating, honestly. The way you get people to cling on only to use them for your own needs, then throw them out as if they meant nothing to you. It's like watching a playback of my own doings just to realize you might be the one for me. It's crazy how you came into my life thinking I was the sweetest you've ever met, only for you to realize there was something more to me that I wasn't letting out, and I think that's why we bonded so quickly with one another. You held onto the ones who hurt you, while I cling to those who I know can hurt me in the end. It's a never-ending cycle of being abused and traumatized, only to feel numb to it every time it happens. It's almost as if we only find pleasure in the pain of others, whether it is given to us or it is being given to them from us. It makes us feel more like ourselves and alive after we ruin some else's lives, knowing we gave them all the time and chances to leave and forget about us.

You thought that pain was the only option at one point so you begged for others to hurt you to feel alive only to become someone so unrecognizavle that you started being more anti social and less active on social media only to find out those you meet in real life would be used as a puppet and make them do whatever it was you wanted at any given time and you took it to the extremes of whatever the cost was. You made people believe in the lies you told, but when it came to me, they never worked because the eyes you told them with never lined up with the pain you were hiding from me. You'd call me acting as if everything was fine and well, only to then everything came to light in the silence, and I could tell there was something you weren't telling me. You'd try so hard to keep it together, only for me to break it all apart and find out what it was you weren't telling me. You hated me for unraveling the pieces to your lies, but at the end of the day, you knew the truth would come to light.

You tried your best to act as if you didn't care or have emotions towards the ones you met, but meeting me, you learned how to manipulate your feelings so you didn't feel so out of place. I helped you learn to mirror others feelings and not get your own feelings involved. You had everything laid out right in front of you, and yet you chose to use my own knowledge towards me, thinking it would make me fall in love with me, but the truth is I can never fall in love with someone such as myself; that's why I never saw anything in you. I knew you'd make me feel something, but it wasn't going to be anything real or true. It was just a way for me to get your trust and let you realize you're not the only one who can mirror and lose complete knowledge of someone in an instant. It's become too easy for me to meet someone and forget all about them once they're out of sight. It's not because I didn't care about them, it's just that I didn't find them useful to my needs or life. I'm only in need of or in search of those who add to my life or have something I could gain from them and the things they know. It's only ever about business and never for pleasure. It's just easier to get in and get out instead of forcing my way into someone's life as if I belong, knowing I don't belong with anyone.