Blog Post 438

What If We Get It Right... This Time Around?

Trying my best to not get my hopes up about you and me when you come down and see me for a quick moment. I'm already sure about what's going to happen, and I hope it doesn't happen in a way where you have to feel like you need to stay or tell your side of the story as to why it all had to go down the way it did. I'm sure we can just hang out and not let our guilty consciences get in the way of what we have right now. I know it's been a minute since we last talked, but the small talk might be best for now, so we don't go and assume it's what we both want, knowing we're living two completely different lives now, and the way I feel towards you has changed, and maybe it was for the best. I didn't change the way I felt about you; I just changed the way I think about you. You didn't do anything wrong, but at the same time, I had to let you go so I could find myself again as one. You were great from the start to the end, but somewhere down the line, I had to tell myself I didn't need you and let myself fade away as if nothing really mattered to me. I had to survive the pain alone, knowing that we might never have what we once had.

I took my time to heal from all the wrongs I caused and made you wonder about, and doing so, I can see that you might have the one and only for me. You were always there for me, no matter the situation, and let me stay the nights I needed you most. I felt like the life we could have had would have been great. Still, somewhere down the line I felt as if I was holding you back and all my doings were starting to annoy you, so I ended up putting alot of distance from you hoping it would make you see that I'm okay without you somehow so even if we did break up / end things it wouldn't be as bad as you might have thought. Still, soon after I distanced myself, it became permanent, and I lost ties to you and your doings. I felt as if it was meant to be, but also, what the hell was wrong with me for doing such a thing? I guess I was trying to protect myself from the heartbreak, knowing it would be me in the end who'd feel the pain that I tried so hard to avoid. I thought that by erasing the thought of you and me, the pain would have been dormant, but the scars left a mark instead. I tried so hard to forget the reason as to why I had to leave you, but no matter what I did, it kept leading me back to you with an apology, and as much as I tried to stop myself from saying I'm sorry and I miss you, it never stayed hidden.

I just felt as if I kept going on with the thought of you and me being together after 3 years of already being with one, it would have made me feel as if I was just pretending to like you and everything you did and said. I was trying so hard not to feel trapped, so I let go of you and did my own thing, knowing you were watching from afar due to the fact that I never made it known to you that I needed a break or anything. I just wanted to see if you'd stay or leave for good, but you proved me wrong every time because I'd look back and you'd be right there making sure I wouldn't fall into the deep end and end my life. I loved how easy it was being next to you but somewhere down the line being next to became too hard to do so I asked myself if this was what I wanted and the answer was a no on my end because why would I keep someone around knowing my mental health and state of mind now revolves around you when it should never have an impact from someone elses doing. I needed to find a way out without causing a scene, so I ghosted you and made it clear that we were done, and I know it wasn't right of me, but when I saw you with someone else, it was clear to me that my decision was valid and final. 

I didn't bother asking questions about you and them, I just said congrats and hope it goes well, and it seems like that response was for the best because it looks like that's what's happening, so I thought. You mentioned not too long ago about you being with me, but how can that be when your other half is still next to you while you sleep? You said it would be our little secret, but what's the point of it being a secret when in my head I thought you'd never be the one to cheat, but here we are acting as if what they don't know won't hurt, knowing they're going to find out somehow, some way. You really disappointed me with that one, so I had to go and cancel the plans of seeing you and asking bout your doings, but it looks like you've already answered that for me. I hope the rest of your visit goes well. Just make sure you stay away from me in the meantime. I'm not trying to get in the way of what I thought was a closed relationship between the two of you. I'll just kick back and watch it all unfold when the timing is right because knowing you and how you think, I don't think it'd be something you'd really do. I know how you think, and when you said that to me, I knew that you weren't thinking clearly, so please, by all means tell me that shit was a joke and we can laugh it off as one!