Blog Post 436

Accidentally Found My Way Back to You

I know talking about you and the past is going to make me numb for the next few days, but honestly, I can't deny the fact that you've been on my mind, and I want to reach out to you to see how you've been and hope everything's been going well for you. But for some reason, I haven't had the balls to do it due to the fact that I know if I reach out, the flashbacks of the things that happened and said will start running in the back of my head, causing me to lose focus on everything I know. I just wish there was a better way of letting you know how much I've missed you these past few years, knowing all I do is dream of you and keep thinking about how things could be different if I didn't have to lie to myself about the things I felt towards you. I wish I could love you one more time, but the love I had for you ran its course, and there's no going back. I can replay the memories of us like a movie, but that's it. I wish you could see how much I still loved you and forgive me for doing too much, but what else am I supposed to say and do? I wish I could hold you in my arms without letting go. 

I wish things could go back to how to they were between us two but I know we've both outgrown one another and I've come to the realization that I will never be able to love someone new like how I did with you and even if could the trauma that came after you made me emotionally numb that loving someone just doesn't hit the same for me. It just feels like another job, and I don't want my love/relationship to feel like a give-and-take sort of thing. The love I had for you was the strongest love I've ever had, and trying to give that to someone else doesn't seem to be something I'm willing to do. It was so easy loving you back then that nowadays it's just comes with me overthinking and misjudging that entire person to where I no longer want anything to do with them and I'm not saying the problems I'm having with in these so called "relationships" is your problem I just know part of it comes from me thinking about you still and wondering how I should have done things differently when it came to you.

I keep thinking that if I found someone new that the mistakes from my past would stop haunting, but for some reason they stay lingering in the background, causing me to overthink and misjudge a lot of scenarios and doings that I don't even bother acknowledging the relationship at times. I just act as if the relationship is over right then and there and go ghost on them, which is pretty stupid on my end, but it's just easier not having any strings attached. I keep thinking I'll find someone who'll make me feel something, but honestly, the only thing they make me feel is boredom and loneliness. It's like I'm living in the moment and acknowledging their existence, but my heart and mind are closed off to the idea of someone capable of loving me for me, so I just mirror them, knowing it's not me who they're in love with. I do it so often that they just end up hating me because my actions and doings line up with theirs, and it goes nowhere after that. I get frustrated with myself because I can't stop myself from doing it unless I end it with them, and then I'll go back to my normal self, and then they come back asking how I've been, knowing damn well I've been better off on my own. 

I just feel like everything happens for a reason, and I guess I'm still protecting myself from getting hurt and hurting those around me who want to get close to me. I'm still keeping most people at arm's length and on a need-to-know basis, but sometimes I think even that is too much. I just don't know what it is I want when it comes to the whole dating thing. Maybe the one-night stands are just better for me so I don't feel obligated to take care of someone when or have them rely on me when all I've ever been was temporary in other people's lives. So why not just be a tempory support til they find someone who's actually worth being with for the long run because my problem is I'm always on the go, and I get bored way too quickly with other people, so making a connection with them just seems pointless at this point in time. I'd rather just say hi and go about my day and forget about them by the end of the night, and repeat the process. The fewer people I come in contact with, the happier I feel.