Blog Post 432

It's Just Her

Since it's clear to me that you still held on to the thought of me, even though I went my separate ways from you, I was wrong about you. I don't know why I thought you were just there for show and to kill some time, but I'm sorry. I thought you said you couldn't do the long-term thing, so I made it a temporary arrangement, thinking nothing of it. However, I guess being with me changed your mind, and I'm sorry for not sticking around to see that. I was just focused on my work and craft, that being next to you started to feel more like a job than a pleasure in my head. But it's my fault for not asking you what your thoughts were and how you felt about it all at the time. I guess I took it too literally when you said you just wanted something temporary and no strings attached at the time.

I called you not too long ago to see how things were, and you started going off about how dare I do this and that when I thought everything was cool between us two. I guess that explains the no call or text from you. I just thought you had moved on with someone new, and I was back to being someone you used to know and thought nothing of it. I didn't realize at the time you still had feelings for me. I don't do so well at hinting when people have feelings for me. I just assume people feel neutral about me most of the time, so everything I do or say isn't really taken seriously, but I guess I was wrong. Clearly, everything I said and did with you saw it as something more when, in the back of my head, I was just being myself without a care or thought in the world. But looks like it meant more to you than I realized.

I just felt like there was no need to get attached or have hard feelings when you were off to go back to college, and I already knew how that was going to go, so I just distanced myself from you. I know it was wrong and probably a dumb thing to do, but honestly, I just didn't want you to think I was trying to hold you back from experiencing the college life/scene. So I let you go and forgot about you altogether. I thought it would have been the easier thing to do instead of trying to be that overly protective guy that you once saw in me / asked me to be. I just didn't want to have any guilt and be blamed for something you asked me to be, and it turned out to be the complete opposite of what you really needed/wanted, if that makes sense. It's like asking for someone to be something they're not, and it's hard to be something you've never been. That's why I slowly started to fade out of your life, because the overly protective guy you once saw in me isn't the best fit for you or your needs. 

My overly protectiveness only comes out / is shown as a last resort sort of thing if I feel like a guy that I don't know or see as someone who isn't good for you comes along but I do my best to not show that side of me because sooner or later you're going to be mad and start asking questions as to why I'm so hostile towards that specif person like how you did when we went to the fair that one time and he showed up. You just weren't mature enough to handle that side of me, and I could tell it had you feeling some type of way, and that's why I stopped showing it / being it. I could tell you wanted me to be more like that, but I chose not to be because I had no reason to be in that state of mind, and it's also draining as fuck for me to be and do something I can't fully commit to. I just do it so that they know what's mine is mine, and they can find their own if that makes sense.

I honestly don't have any other explaination as to why it happened but I guess I got tired of people taking what was mine that I had to show em a thing or two to make them understand that they've got the wrong one at the right time I suppose because clearly he talked to your friend and they told you that I scared them which is good so they'll think twice before trying some fuck shit between the two of us. But any ways that's really all it was, and what it came down to, nothing more, nothing less. I just wanted it to be understood that I'm really chill about most things, but when it came to you, there was a whole different side to me at the time that should've never been shown, and I fully apologize for letting that side of me be seen in the public eye.