Blog Post 431

The Further We Drown

I swear it's like setting a moth to a flame every time we're next to one another. We keep eyeing one another up and down in a room full of people watching us to see who's going to end up making the first move, only to realize none of us are ready to let it out. So we stand there face to face, trying to figure one out, only to come to the realization there's nothing to figure out but the feeling of deep guilt, only to have it seem so unrecognizable. We laugh it off and continue to drink our drinks, hoping it would all just fade away. I pass you on my way out, hoping you'd stop me, but with every step I take, it feels like I have weights weighing me down, preventing me from moving. I push through, hoping I'll make it out without causing a scene, but you stop me in my path, and I get anxious with every word you let out, hoping it's nothing bout the past between you and me.

I drowned so deep in the thought of you that it felt like nothing could bring me back to life. I felt so useless every time I'd look at you. You made me lose sight of who I am at one point over a small mistake, and it was hard to breathe at times, knowing the past would always linger in the distance. I thought by drowning myself in the pain and tears that the life I had with you would fade away, but it turns out it still haunts me to this day because you made it your whole agenda to make sure I'd never forget, and for that, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you.

I try my best to lay my finger off the trigger, but some nights I go to bed with the finger on the trigger, hoping it'll go off when I close my eyes. It's not because I'm done living but because the pain I live with is getting the best of me, and sometimes the fight isn't worth it. I do my best to ignore the bad and focus on the good, but when the bad outweighs the good, the hope feels pointless. So I drown myself in the pain and let my body take it all in, knowing there's no coming back from it. I try my best to keep out of sight and out of the way, but some days and nights, you always find a way to come passing by, and I wish I knew why or how you come to find me when we don't even have the same lifestyle. You choose the public eye and seek out public attention when I'm well hidden and out the way of everything so everytime I see you I can't tell if you're stalking me or simply just following my every move which doesn't make sense as to why you would choose to do so when you insisted on hating me from the jump but lie to me and say you don't.

It just hurts knowing I want to be civil and respectful when it comes to you but when it comes to me you want to cause havoc and chaos all for the sake of it and the truth is you can cause me all the choas and havoc in my life all you want but it won't stop me from knowing at one point I had feelings for you and actually admitting to loving you for you. I didn't care about your past and trauma. I just wanted you to feel safe and welcomed when being with me, but I guess you never saw me as someone you could feel safe around, and that's fine, but did you really have to make me feel unsafe when it came to you, though? Was it really worth going out of your way to become someone I'd hate and feel unsafe around when you were nothing but a safety net for me at one point? I wish you could see that I never hated you. I just needed some time to adjust, and you made that harder than it had to be. I asked for space, but instead, you gave me insecurity and unwanted thoughts. I asked for forgiveness, and you gave me nothing but pain and lies. So tell me how you managed to do all that, and I somehow still wanted to see you in a positive way, knowing it was all wrong.