Blog Post 427

Lost Without You

You said we'd always have forever to get it right and that things would fall into place, but every time you're close, all I think about is the pain and tears I caused you. You seem to be just fine being next to me, but I'm never fine being next to you, and it kills me knowing part of me hates myself for hurting you. I thought you'd love me for me, but then you went and changed your motives towards me and caused me to spiral out of control making me lose sight of what you mean to me. I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but I couldn't stop myself because the damage was already done, so I just kept making it worse, hoping you'd leave me alone and find someone better than me. But my plan backfired all at once when you came knocking at my door, telling me how sorry you were for leaving me. It was so unexpected that I thought it might have been a dream, but the dream was nothing more than the truth. 

It hurt like hell knowing that you chose to stay and make things right with me, knowing that I gave up on trying to make things right between us a while back. But I guess you saw something in me that night where you decided to change your mind and come back to make things right. Am I mad? No, just surprised. I thought you and I going our separate ways would have been better, but I guess me not being in your life caused you more pain than pleasure, and for that I'm sorry. I just thought if I had distanced myself from you, then you would be better off and free to do the things you'd always wanted to do. I never wanted you to feel like you were being restricted from living your life. That's why I left you alone whenever you asked for space and time to process everything that was happening in your life. I never wanted you to feel like I needed you or I couldn't be myself without you. I just wanted what was best for both of us, and knowing how detached I am from others, I thought it would have been the easiest thing for us. 

I knew you loved me, but sometimes love can be shown from a distance, and at the time, that's what I preferred, even though you kept pushing for it to be closer and hands-on. I wish I could go back in time and show you how I love, but that side of me died out a long time ago when the trauma hit me. I didn't care to be loved or show love to anyone, and I wasn't mad about it. I was just numb to the feeling of being loved that which served no purpose to me. That's why I was so distant from myself and the feelings that I had. I never truly understood the point of loving someone who would one day hurt me for no reason. It was just safer on my end to keep my distance and watch from afar, hoping you'd make it through the day with or without me. I never asked to be a part of your life; you kind of just dragged me along as if it was the right thing to do, even though every time we'd hang out, I'd feel out of place. That's why I couldn't wait for the night to end so I could go back home and not feel like I'm bothering you with my presence. 

I just wanted to be loved, and you showed me that, but for some reason, the love never stuck, and I know it's because of me, so don't think it had anything to do with you. It's just that I don't understand the point of loving someone sometimes. I'm affectionate but also distant when I'm going through shit and I don't wanna have those closest to me be affected by my past and trauma so I go ghost and vanish into the darkness until I get it all worked out and come back as if nothing happened when in reality I was saving myself from the thought of suicide knowing one of these days or nights I wont be so lucky and the thought of you brings me back to life somehow. Every time I go into the void to escape the trauma and pain, you're the only thing that remains in my head when I close my eyes.