Blog Post 426

When You're Next to Me

Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you being next to me causes me to lose all knowledge of how to breathe and keep my cool. I'm either really nervous and don't know what to do when it comes to you, or I'm all in and know what I'm supposed to do every second when you're next to me. I can't decide if I'm going through the motions and feelings of thinking this could be something great, or if this is just going to break me before it even starts. I try my best to see the best in you, but my feelings get in the way, and then I see you for what you really are, and even that version still makes me crave your love, even though it can be toxic sometimes. I don't know, maybe the toxic love and the bad blood between you and me is what makes me happy. Because when it's just the two of us in a crowded room, there's so much tension to act like we don't know one another when we both know what we really want with one another, and it sucks that we can't act on it without giving it away to those who stand by us.

I feel like everything I know about love slowly fades away when you're far away, and when you're near, it hits me like a wave, knocking me into a state of mind where loving you is all I wanna do, but for some reason, the universe loves to push and pull me against things that are too good to be true. I can't shake the feeling of giving it another go with you, but at the same time, I don't wanna end up hurting you. I could tell the last time I saw you, you were shocked that I found you in a crowd full of people, not knowing you'd be there. I guess it was fate or destiny to see if you and I would ever make it right, or if it was just time to let go. But letting go of someone such as yourself, who only saw the good in me, even when my flaws showed up, you didn't seem to mind them, is so hard to find these days. I felt as if maybe you could have been the one but now that things have past and my life is a bit less chaotic and less busy I can have time to process the thoughts and feelings I had for you and figure out if it's even worth my time to even be in your life or just let it end completly and have the thought of you fade away like everyone else does. 

I'm not trying to let you fade away, but at the same time, if you aren't going to be the one, then why cause damage to my heart and mind trying to make something out of nothing when you'll just be wasting my time. It doesn't always have to end on bad terms it can just be a mutual thing and we go our seperate ways, but you insist of trying to claim me when we aren't even together which is so insane to me because you'll get mad at me for leaving town or being with other people who you don't even know thinking that I'm fucking them or some shit when in reality they're my escape from reality. I don't understand why you have to act so weird every time I'm not in plain sight of you. I still love you, but at the same time, I'm doing what's best for me, and if that's choosing to let go of you, then so be it. I don't need the back-and-forth love when I'm just looking for something real and drama-free!