Blog Post 425

Sorry for Letting You Go

Hey Lex, Sorry for leaving you out of the bleu with no explanation as to what was happening or what caused me to do it. In my head, I thought it would have been easier for you if you hadn't known about my whereabouts and my doings. It was the safest thing to do for your own well-being. I didn't want you to think it was your fault or that it had something to do with you. I was just too caught up in trying to figure out my life. I was torn between staying in town and keeping everything I've ever known, or moving somewhere where I'd have to make a name for myself and start all over again, and trying to make new friends/acquaintances. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to think of the new life I'd have if I moved to Florida, I kept thinking of all the people I'd miss, and you kept running in the back of my mind, knowing I still have things to say to and apologies that need to be let out. 

I don't know, I just know me moving to Florida that I would have regrets about a lot of things, and I'm trying to correct all my wrongs in the best way possible, but part of me is only trying to keep hold of the things that make me happy and free. I know I have a few good people around me, but at the end of the day when I close my eyes it's you that I see and I don't know what it all means, but if there was a way to let it be known I'll do whatever it takes, I just know my actions and thoughts were not what I wanted. I thought I was good on my own, but now that things are officially how I want them, I can't help but call out to you and see how you're doing, knowing I'm probably not the one you love anymore. I know I can never be the guy you once knew, but I can try and be a better version of myself that you once knew to see that there's more to me than some anxiety and dark humor to ease my mind. 

I find it weird how I was gone for a while, only to realize you were the one all along, but if it wasn't for my summer flings and past hunting me down, I would have been able to keep focus on you and made sure everything was cool between us two. But I had to let you go and fix things within myself, and let the past be in the past for what it was, and let it go. I wanted to be at peace, and you being next to me was a bit confusing because I knew you would have thought it was something on your end that you were doing, but it was never about you. Yeah, you made me forget about a lot of my problems, but in the end, when we go our separate ways, they're back to knocking at my front door, causing such a headache. I couldn't have you be involved, and letting you do you and watching from afar was the best option. You were always going to be okay with or without me; it was just a matter of time when I could have you back by my side, and I guess that time has come to now, only with your approval, of course, and if I'm something you no longer want or need, then that's totally fine with me. I'll always keep the door unlocked just in case you need a place to stay and talk. My key is your key, so if you ever wish to see me, you know where I'll be!!