Blog Post 410

If I Cried Out Every Tear I Held Back, Would that Make Me Less of a Man?!

Not really sure if I wanna forgive myself for all the hurt and sleepless nights I put myself through trying to escape from the pain I caused myself from simply just existing and trying to keep out of sight from everyone I've ever met. I have this weird ass feeling that there's someone constantly watching my every move, trying to replicate my own well-being, and acting as if they're the real thing when in reality it's just me fighting against my inner demons trying to escape the void of feeling lonely. I keep thinking about going back home and trying to find the feeling of being safe and loved once again, but instead, I'm reminded of all the mistakes and fights I had while being there, just to watch it all burn down as time went on.

I walked down the empty streets, thinking of all the memories that haunt me from being who I really am. I wish I could go back to the day I was born and kill myself before I had a chance to leave the hospital, and maybe all the pain and guilt I grew up feeling wouldn't have been so heavy on a kid like me. I could have loved those closest to me the right way instead of pushing them away. I could have just been normal and not have to live with the thought of losing my best friend at such a young age. I could have lived a life without having to deal with some sort of traumatic event happening every single day of my life. To this day, car wrecks and the sound of sirens trigger something inside of me, and as much as I try to avoid the sound and sight of them, I'm reminded of the constant pain I had to endure as a child, and then I feel less of myself because I couldn't stop it from happening.

You ended up leaving me at fucking birth, thinking I would be fine on my own and that the life I would have had growing up would be easy, but instead, all I could think and ask myself as a child and as an adult now is why and how. What was so bad about me that you needed to give me up without any knowledge of who I am and who my creators were/are? Do you ever think about the day you gave me up, or was it all just a game or a quick cash grab to get rid of me? Were you scared of me, or were you scared of what you do to me as a mother? I want to know the reason for your actions!! You gave me nothing to track you back down, other than a name, which I did my digging on and found nothing. So clearly you made it very clear that I was never supposed to know about my birth or where I'm from, other than what I already know. 

Do you ever think about me, or am I the only one who's ever thinking about what life could have been for me if we were together as one? I look up to the sky and wish upon the stars, wishing you the best and that you think of me, but there's nothing more for me to do or say because the life I have now is what you probably had envisioned for me. I know your wishes weren't for me to have to struggle, and I can say I'm not struggling financially, just struggling with feeling loved and wondering why things happened the way that they did, and if there could have been another way to be together as a family. 

Did you have to erase me from your life as if I was nothing, or did you have second thoughts about the things you did when you gave birth to me? Did you even tell me that you loved me, or was I just a nobody to you? Did I even make you smile when I was born, or was I just a disappointment to you? Please just give an answer for fuck sake. All I do is bash myself for not knowing anything about you or my true self. So I keep feeding into the void, hoping I'd find something to go off on, but instead it's just a fucking blur. No matter how fucking far I go or dive, I'll never find the answers to the questions I hold because you're nowhere to be found, and it's not fair for me to live a life with unanswered questions, especially when it's from a child that you gave up on!!