Blog Post 409
F*** Around with Me, & You're Going to End Up Feeling Lonely!
I know you probably don’t understand how I was once interested in you to no longer wanting you around, and the answer is simple! I got bored, and the feelings that you thought I was showing weren’t real. I was just mirroring you so I could feel something that made it easier to be with you and not have you see me as someone who was cold-hearted and uncaring! I know it’s fucked up to do such a thing, but it’s how I am with everyone I come in contact with, so I don’t end up getting hurt in the process when the time comes to moving on!
You probably saw me picture perfect, but deep down, that’s not me, nor will it ever be! The only thing picture perfect about me is the photos I take! So I apologize in advance if my charm and characteristics threw you off! It was never my intention to have you get close enough to where you started thinking about me! I was simply just testing the waters out and seeing if the dating scene was something worth my wild, and turns out it’s simply not! I’m bored with it as soon as it starts, and by the time we meet, I’m already thinking of doing something else with someone better! It’s a bad habit, and I totally understand that’s messed up, but honestly, I don’t care!
I guess the trauma that side of me that I suppress deep down has something to do with the thought of never settling with someone, and if one day I meet someone that can prevent this from happening, then that’s the one for me and everyone else was just a life lesson before them and I just have to accept that and move on from there! Not trying to fake my feelings for anyone that I meet or comes my way! If I like you, then I’m going to let you know, and if I don’t, then I’m going to make sure you know that as well! I’m not looking for temporary or permanent doings, I’m just looking for someone that’s going to help me grow and better myself as a person, either as my friend or partner in crime! It doesn’t have to be now or tomorrow, but I want it to happen when least expected, and I can say life is worth living again!
I just keep asking myself how the world keeps spinning while I stand still here thinking about my life choices, only to find out all the trauma and chaos that went on was because of me just existing!!! I think about the day I end my life, that all the pain and tears will stop, and everyone will be happier knowing that I’m gone! But then there’s that one person that keeps reminding me of the life they have was all because of me, and they’re life is what I wish could be for everyone around me, but life’s not like that! For me, life is all a blur til she and I come as one!
I wish I could explain the shit I feel through text, but it’s so hard to describe a feeling I only feel once a year! It’s not a feeling I feel regularly due to the fact that I don’t like putting myself in a position where I have to feel the way that I do as of right now! It’s like the void and silence is making it very clear to me that the person I keep avoiding is the one I need the most and until I make my decision on letting go of what happened in the past and reaching out to tell them how sorry I am, I’ll continue to travel deeper into the void and silence since it’s where I feel the safest!
I know one day I’ll reach out and have the trauma fade away, but I don’t think I’m ready to let go of the pain and memories that it brought me! I know the doings weren’t all my fault, but it helped me realize a lot of things about those who walk the earth cold-hearted and refuse to get close to those who care about them! I understand that feeling all too well because I’ve done it for the past 13 years! It gets to a point where the feelings you have aren’t even your own feelings; they’re just the feelings from someone else that was telling a story that you had to comprehend their pain and adjust accordingly, so you wouldn’t seem out of place when their pain and feelings got let out!