Blog Post 408

Can We Go Back to Being Friends?

Not sure how I even got to this place, but here I am once again going through the motions and feelings just thinking about how you're doing and what you've been up to since we last talked and went our separate ways. Hopefully, everything for you has been going well and you've figured out what you've wanted to do with your life and met some of those goals you talked about reaching. I'm sorry for not reaching out or making my presence known to you. I just thought keeping my distance would make you forget about me, while I sat back and ended up wishing the best for you. I see you out and about every now and then, but I don't make it my business to approach you or say hi because I think the feelings would just come back to me, and I don't wanna feel those things knowing you don't feel the same way towards me.

I know I tend to get caught up in my head and feelings to think clearly, and as much as I tell myself it no longer matters, you somehow make me feel like there's some part of me that needs to reach out just so I can have a sense of clarity on your doings and making sure you're happy. I don't know, part of me just really cares, and then part of me sees it as a waste of time but also a distraction from my own life and doings. I keep trying to fight the urge to reach out, but now that you're clearly back in town, it's almost as if I have to somehow stay out of sight just from me not running into you. I feel guilty for being the way that I was and making it seem like I didn't care, but deep dow,n I just didn't want to get hurt in the process of getting to know you and hanging out with you. I was basically just mirroring yo,u and I know it was wrong of me, but at the time, that's all I knew what to do. I didn't know if me being myself was going to make you love me or hate me, so I just mimicked you and let it be for it was.

Looking back at my doing, I realized I was just scared of being myself and having another person hate me for it so I think that's why it was so easy for me to let you go and move on with my life because I knew I wasn't actually myself when I was with you. But if there was a chance or if I was given a chance to be who I really am and show you, then I'd love to give it a go. But I hardly doubt that will ever happen because somehow I'm scared of you and how my feelings are towards you. I don't know if I see you as some one I can love or just someone I need to keep me from being something I'm not. I honestly don't know how you see me or what you see me as but you have every right to see me as that. I just wanted to put my trust in you and live a life knowing that I didn't have to fake a smile or laugh when being with you.