Blog Post 406

Love Yourself, Not Me

Not sure how I ended up here again when I thought I was done with all of this. But somehow the timeline brought me back to this, and now I can't seem to escape it, and no matter how much I try to ignore it and keep myself busy from the thought of it, I'm here typing away. I wish this shit were easy, but it never is. Maybe from my point of view it is, but those watching it's more like a maze trying to figure me out and my doings, and I wish it wasn't. I wish things could be easy, but they never are, and as much as I try to break it down to make it easier to process, I end up feeling like the bad guy all over again. So I let it fall and be for what it is and start all over. I keep wanting to escape the cycle of back and forth, but that's all I'm ever good at, it seems. I know I can only hope that you could see where I'm coming from, but that would take a miracle from the looks of it.

I kept self-sabotaging and isolating myself thinking it would make things easier for everyone around me but instead it just made it harder for me to be around others to the point where talking to them seemed pointless and trying to make my pressence known was too much of a risk, so I ghosted and settled deep in the shadows hopping they would just forget about me. I did what I could to make myself seem fine for the past few months, but it just got worse and worse as I was removing myself from those around me, hoping I wouldn't spark concerns for them in the process. I didn't really think anything about it other than the fact that it was better for everyone if I just stopped existing and being free from all the drama and toxic back and forth on this and that. I felt like the social life was getting to the point where it became and full-time job, and I just didn't really have it in me to continue with it. It felt more forced than enjoyable, and that's when I knew it had to stop.

I just hope those closest to me didn't fall in love with me or feel some type of way, and if you did and I never proceeded to acknowledge it, I'm sorry. I'm really bad at picking up social cues, especially when someone feels some type of way towards me. I usually just assume everyone hates me, so I keep my walls up and head low so I'm not forced to go out of my way and look like a fool for thinking something that isn't true. I tried the whole dating thing, but it's just not worth my time. I enjoy being by myself and doing what I want when I want, and not having to feel like a slave to my phone or some sort of captive towards others. I know I have a bad habit of not showing my feelings but in all honesty I don't know how to show or control the things I feel unless its out of rage or pure hurt and that's just something I have to keep working on and until I get it worked out I don't see myself being in any sort of relationship any time soon.