Blog Post 405

Hope I'm Not Asking for Too Much

Sorry for not keeping this site updated or posting on any platform to make it seem like I'm fine. However, I've decided to stop lying about how I'm feeling, so I just decided to fade into the background until I felt better about myself and my actions. I kept busy with the street photography and my job, but overall, I've been feeling more lost than ever. I don't know if it's because of the whole moving situation that I'm trying to figure out, or if it's the fact that I'm close to 30 and still feel so behind in life, even though I'm financially fine and doing well for myself for the most part. But for some reason, I have days where I feel like the things I'm doing don't really matter, and I should just stop and end it all as it is and go live a life in another realm where it's better for my soul and mind.

I've cut ties and lost contact with almost everyone I've ever talked to because if something does happen to me, I don't need them to be worried or shocked. I want everyone that I've ever had a conversation with and hung out with to be happy without the thought of me, because I feel like it would just be easier, and I'll be less of a burden to them. I've been doing pretty well at keeping my distance and keeping things at a surface level with those that I talk to on a regular basis, but it's all coming to an end, and after it ends, I hope they'll be happier. I know me staying only becomes harder for them so I'm choosing this other path that lets me be who I am and happier without the thought of hurting the few people who chose to be there for me.

I never meant for this shit to unfold the way that it has, but I guess at some point down the line, it all came crashing down to where the talking and long drives just no longer seemed to work. I couldn't help myself from crashing out and letting every single tear fall from my eyes, knowing there was no going back to what I had. I cut ties and erased all the memories I once had to save myself from the feeling of not being enough for those who chose to stay in my life, even when I told them not to. I felt like I was forcing them to stay in my life every time they would talk to me and as much I would ignore and shut them out they would still be next to me asking if I needed anything and it just never made much sense to me as to why they would go out of there way to be kind to me when all I was doing was treating them like shit.