Blog Post 403

Infatuated By Someone Who's No Good for Me

I know this is going to hurt me in the long run, but I'm already in the deep end with you, so let me just go ahead and drown in the thoughts of us not ever being together, and I can move on from these feelings that I have for you. Things always seem to be so easy when you're around, but then you leave and make me feel like it was my fault, but turns out it was never anything to begin with, other than my imagination. It's hard for me to describe the way I feel towards you when you're long gone somewhere else, being happy. I can see it in your face that you wish things could be different but then we make a move to get past it only to find out it's not really meant for us so we go back to keeping our distance only to miss each other in the process and just repeat the cycle over and over til one of us can't keep it together.

I see you every now and then, only to freeze as if time stood still and process the image of you that I have in my head, where you're everything I could ask for, but simultaneously, it would be hell being with you. So I withdraw from the feelings and let you carry on about your day. There's days where you're blowing up my phone only to make me feel like I mean something to you only for you tell me about how I'm this and that, and honestly I probably deserved it only because I'm not trying to seem like the jealous type when you're out with your other friends. I keep it nonchalant, but at the same time, all I'm doing is making it worse for both of us. I try to keep my space from you, but every time I do so, you think there's something wrong with you or you've made a mistake down the line when it's actually none of those things. I'm just occupied with work and trying to keep what little friendships I have with those that matter to me.

I do my best to give it my all when it comes to you, but some days I feel like all I'm doing is making it worse, so I withdraw and find something else to do rather than just bug you with my thoughts and feelings. I avoid the thoughts I have in my head, thinking it would keep me from crashing out and lashing out, but deep down inside, it's all I really care to do. I'm trying my best to keep my cool about a lot of things, but sometimes I feel like it's just not worth it. I'm good at fucking things up but I'm trying my best to not do that with you. I don't know, part of me feels lost when it comes to you, but other times I'm fine and understand what to do and the things that are happening between the two of us. So I don't know what the whole point of this even is other than my brain being on some fuck shit lately I guess.