Blog Post 402
Thinking Bout All the Things We Used to Do
I understand the person you ended up being with was far gone from saving, but knowing things ended up how they did, I wouldn’t change it for the world! You and I had a lot of great memories, but they’ve somehow managed to fade into the void, and now, when I look at you, there’s nothing there to feel other than the pain that I caused! I knew my doings back then weren’t the best, but you stuck around thinking it was for the best when it wasn’t! I wish things could have worked out between you and me, but looking back, that would have meant being true to myself, and at the time, I was lost as to what was happening around me! I knew I loved you with all my heart, but something always felt off, no matter how much I tried to express what I was feeling and going through! I cried myself to sleep, wishing it would all just stop! But instead, I wake up with this pain of being the bad guy in the end, and I just couldn’t let it go!
I needed you to be there for me, and yet somehow you were never there when I needed you the most! You were out with your friends and family, knowing I was headed down a different path, and it felt like hell being next to you, trying to fake the happiness! I wanted to keep the tears out of sight but that night you being in my car while driving down the freeway something happened and all of a sudden I pulled over and got out just to leave you in the car thinking I shouldn’t be in your life anymore knowing you were the only thing that made me happy at the time! I wish things didn’t end the way that did, but hurting you was never the plan, so I dropped you off at your house, knowing it was the last time you’d ever hear or see from me ever again!
I felt uncertain about what was going to happen next, so I just closed my eyes and decided to let go of the steering wheel, knowing there’s no turning back after this! I made my decision to leave you behind, knowing the person you once knew was nothing more than just a memory! I left the crash site thinking nothing of it, only to drop to my knees crying and pleading with the gods above, asking why me?! It never really made much sense as to how others get to leave without a trace, but I’m stuck finding them and bringing them back to where they belong, and when I decide to leave, I’m forced to stay, and for what?! Nothing about that night made much sense to me, and looking back, I can see why! I wasn’t ready for someone like you, and I’m still not over you or the thought of leaving you! I knew I messed up, but I did all I could to try and fix my mistakes, but at the end of it all, it never seemed to have made sense! The only thing that made much sense to me was just letting go and letting you be free and finding the love that’s worthy of having you! I just hope one day you’ll understand that letting go of you hurts more than you’ll ever know!
Everything I did was for you, and to think I could do it again when the timing comes just says a lot about me! I just hope one day you’d see how happy I was having someone like you in my life, and I know that happiness that I once had will never be duplicated or matched, and I just have to accept it! But it doesn’t mean I have to keep going back to my toxic ways to make it happen! I just wanna find someone who’s proud of having me in their life like you once did, and to make me feel something worth living for! It doesn’t have to be forever or for a long period of time, just long enough to understand the real me, and after that, they can let me go and forget about my existence!