Blog Post 397

The Last Goodbye

I know all the lies you told yourself were just to make yourself feel better about letting go thinking that if you were to lie to yourself about being the bad guy then it wouldn’t be as hard for me but instead it just made me question your doings even more making me feel like it was all my fault! It was never about picking sides or who was right or wrong! It was just you and I as one, but you somehow only cared to make it a one-sided conversation & feeling. I tried holding on to everything I knew, but somewhere down the line, it started slipping out of my hands, and I just couldn’t keep up with all the pain and tears coming down my face! I eventually had to stop and wipe them off, dropping the things that made us happy. I lost sight of what was happening and thought forever was just a word from a movie!

I just wish I had a better understanding of why you chose to make me stay, knowing what we had was kind of toxic, but at the same time, worth the fights, even though they always brought out the worst in us! I showed a side of me no one’s ever seen or heard of, and I saw a side of you that nobody’s ever seen as well, and yet we thought that's what was best for us?! It’s kind of fucked up how we thought the fights were normal and didn’t second guess it when doing it! You made me so mad yet so happy, and I just can’t explain the feeling! It’s like the chemistry was there, but the fights and everything around it had no business being there, yet it always came in waves, and we didn’t even give ourselves the time to prepare for it!

Losing you was the last thing on my mind, so I think that’s why I kept pushing all the fights and tears to the side! I wanted shit to work out between us two but somewhere down the line things started to change and I started feeling like the love we had was no longer worth my time and energy! It was no disrespect to you, I was just simply tired and drained of all the things that were happening between us two! I gave you all the things you ever asked for and all the things I thought you needed! But I guess it still wasn’t good enough, which made me feel like I wasn’t worth your time anymore! So I faded into the background and let you be free from all the wrongs I did! I thought by removing myself from your life, you’d see that I was never the one you needed, and it turns out I was right! I’m sorry for not knowing it sooner. I just thought loving you was what I needed, but instead it was letting you be free and having you find yourself on your own!