Blog Post 308

It Just Keeps Repeating

I'm no longer looking for the one. These so-called people you keep telling me to go out of my way and trust are just breaking my heart time after time and then I'm stuck feeling nothing but a void that needs to be filled with something. I'm looking in all the right places for the one but every time I think I've found the one they just go behind my back and prove me wrong. They tell me this and that only to not realize I'm yelling in a room full of people asking myself why. This whole meeting and dating people never made much sense to me and I don't think it ever will. I'm studying everything around me and that person but I still manage to fail somewhere down the line and it's driving me fucking crazy not knowing what's causing it. 

I'm tired of breaking it down piece by piece just to find out I wasn't good enough nor will I ever be good enough for someone. I'm starting to hate myself only to find myself again then back to hating myself and putting all the blame on me cause who else is there to blame? I initiated the first move only to be told I'm this and that and as much as I work on all those negatives about myself there's still something new reappearing from it all. I'm not sure what more there is I can do but just give up on people around me and those who think are good for me. I'm no longer trying to be there for anyone anymore. I just wanna fall off the grid and let them think what they want about me. I don't care about having a lover in my life since that's never been a good situation for me to be in. I just need to focus on my own things and not have any more distractions in my life.

I'm done going out of my way to make a friend just to find out there on the other side of the bed fucking someone else. I'm tired of people telling me I'm the only one when they've got options lined up out the crack of their ass. I'm tired of being told I'm loved when in reality they're hating on me from afar. I'm just tired of being the nice guy. I wanna go back to being a very nonchalant and quiet person. Maybe then they'll see how good I was to them. It's crazy how they'll never get the same version of me once they leave. I'm the type to adjust to fit their vibe and lifestyle only to realize I was never myself because clearly every time I'm myself they end up hating me so what's the use of being myself anymore.

I feel like I lost my whole identity in the game of love and I just need to find myself again because right now I feel like there's no one out there to match my needs and wants even though I never ask for anything but some common sense. Like is that a foreign language to you or what? Cause this shit is pissing me the fuck off having me go out of my to spend some time with you and treat you right just to be told that's not how it's done or better yet why I'm not treating you like an ass. Why the fuck would I treat you like an ass for? Y'all be bugging for real. You treat a girl/guy nice and they automatically think you're cringe and I'm bout to start treating them like they don't mean shit to me maybe then they'll stick around? Like what the hell is the alternative to all this besides me completing steering away from the dating hole!