Blog Post 307

Lifeline is No Longer Around

I wish I knew how you were doing!!! It's driving me crazy not being able to reach out and get a reply back from you. I just miss everything about you now that you're gone without a trace! Maybe one day we'll meet again and figure out why we did the things we did even though my only reason for doing the things I did was simply because I fell in love with you without even realizing it and it's my fault for not stopping myself from having those feelings for you.

I'm so scared of putting myself out on the line to where I become vulnerable that I just held it all in even though it was killing me on the inside and I think that's why I was doing all those stupid little things to somehow make you see how much I cared about you. I never wanted to hurt you even though you made it seem like that's what I was doing to you and it made me hate myself so much that I just started crying because how am I supposed to respond to something like that?

All the things you said that night while I was crying in the front seat of my car just kept lingering all around me as if there was no escape from it. I wish I could have let you go that night but I chose to hold on to you even though it made me so sad knowing that this could have been the end only for you to officially cut it off and disappear without a trace 3 days later and I just wish you would have told me you were planning on leaving me all along. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to do the things I did for you just to see a smile on your face. I guess you needed more and I was too blind to realize it which is my fault.

I never knew that someone like you would even go out of your way and treat me so right just to make me feel like it was all my fault for having you disappear into thin air when everything was going great between us two or so I thought. I guess I should've looked into your eyes and calculated it for myself and went about my own judgment that day. 

But it's too late for all that now. I'm stuck trying to figure it all out while you're out doing you without a care in the world about what it is you did to me. So I guess it's cool in a way. You're no longer part of my life so someone new can come and fill in the missing pieces to my broken heart even though I just finished rebuilding my heart from all my past mistakes and trauma. But here you come all innocent and happy self just to break me from the inside out to where I'm stuck searching for another purpose in life that doesn't involve me being 6 feet under.