Blog Post 148

Can't Stop Thinking About You

This post about to be obvious as hell as to who I'm talking about and I honestly don't even care anymore because I'm tired of trying to hide my feelings for someone like her. It's crazy how I still remember meeting you back in the 8th grade in the hallway and thinking you were the one knowing things aren't how they used to be. It's crazy to think about how I bitched out on talking to you at the mall knowing I wanted to make sure you were doing well even though I knew you'd probably wouldn't respond and just tell me to leave. So maybe that's why I walked out and just forgot about ever seeing you. 

I just know that my life back then was not how I wanted it to be and I wasn't who I wanted to be. So I took a lot of steps back just to sit and watch everyone do their thing while I got my shit together and even then I had troubles doing that. But I knew I'd figure it out sooner or later and it took me about 6 years almost 7 to do but I think I understand it all now. I wasn't ready to be with you because I would've fucked it all in with the first 5 minutes and it would've just been a waste of time for the both of us. So thanks for letting me figure out my life even though it took a lot longer than you expected.

I don't want you to think I'm asking for forgiveness or sympathy I just need you to know I still think about you but I'll never be able to stop unless I die. I found you to be the best thing I ever knew and even though we never talked that often I still remember a lot from the moment I met you to the moment I left and I think that's how I know the feelings I had for you were real. I never had that feeling before and when I do it's not always the same because I just think of you. So maybe that feeling I had should only be for you and just have a different feeling for someone else because trust me that feeling I had for you it's not the same when it comes to others. It doesn't feel right for me even though I care a lot about that certain person but my body is just not comfortable sharing that specific feeling with another person for some reason.

I want to have that feeling that I once had with you with someone else but I can't because I... still think about you and me thinking about you while being with someone or just communicating with someone in the way of love just doesn't feel right. I try to block you out but nothing happens other than pain and I don't mean the bad kind of pain it's just flashbacks really and memories of certain situations which I can't understand. I know how all of this sounds but like I said I tend to not express or show any kind of emotions unless I feel like I need to or I'm with someone who gets me. Which is kind of hard for me to do right now considering I've blocked majority of the people I once knew out of my life. So I'm left to deal with it on my own.

But it's cool I've been doing this since I was born it seems like so it's nothing new. I just know I can never block you or stop thinking about you or even get you out my head even when I try and I just want to know why. I want to know if it's time to reach out to you and ask if we can be friends or just tell you that I think about you and see where it goes or just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm really confused about all of this because we don't have each other blocked on social media so I'm just wondering If I should just go first and see what happens or keep waiting.

I'm just thinking that if I keep waiting for the timing to be right I feel like it'll be too late and I have thoughts that it already is and I can't do anything about it other than stop letting you get to me even though I choose to remember everything that I possibly can about you. So tell me am I wrong for thinking about all of this or am just not over you because I keep telling myself that I am but then I have these moments/days where I only think of you and I don't care to talk or see anyone or bother to check my phone. So if there was a chance to pick things up where we left off or start off new would you take it or will you push it to the side and walk away like before? I just don't want to make the same mistake that's all because I do care about you even though I know it's probably too late for forgiveness.