Blog Post 146

I Don't Think I'm Ready

I know we have our ups and downs, but the shit I said was wrong, and I told you I fucked up, but you seemed to not give a fuck and just took it as if it was a normal thing when I know for a fact it's not a normal thing to say. So help me understand why the shit I said didn't seem to faze you. I reached out several times trying to get your answer, but you just kept ignoring my text and continued to talk about something else, even though you're only 4 hours away. So it's not like I can't come and see you in person and talk about it. It's just that I wish you were more open about talking about it because it's got me questioning us and thinking that it's over between us two when I know that's not what you want. So please help me understand what it is you need from me because I'm down to do it.

You probably think that I'm just talking to you to pass the time by but that's not the case. I really do like you, it's just I'm holding all my feelings back because I feel like if I tell you how I really feel about you, it could end this thing we have, and I don't want to have things end between us. Considering I care way too much about you to have you be just another person I talked to here and there. When you're so much more than that, but I can't tell you that because I'm not ready for that type of commitment just yet. It's just I have these thoughts nowadays that make it really hard for me to fully open up to someone, and I want to open up to you, it's just I'm not ready for it yet, I guess. I need time to think this shit out and make sure the timing is right because if it's not, then it would all just be a waste of time, and I'm tired of wasting my time on people.

I don't want you to think it's you, because trust me, there's nothing wrong with you; it's just I have issues that still need to be worked on. I just think that if we rush this, then there's not going to be much of what you want and what I want, but instead just arguing and fights, and I'm not down for that. I want something real between us two and not just have a thing with you for only a week or two and stop acknowledging one another. It's complicated right now, considering the life circumstances that we live in and the distance, but I mean, if long distance is the way to go, then we'll just do that, but also, I technically want to be closer to you, so I don't know.

I just know as of right now, I like you, but if I tell you, then shit is bound to go sideways, and that'll be the end of us. So maybe it's best if we just stick to what we have for now so nothing goes wrong and maybe down the road we can actually admit the shit we feel for one another and go on from there because I want you to be mine and I know you feel the same towards me so I guess it's just best if we wait it out for now. Not trying to distance us, I'm just thinking down the line, but if you want to make it work now or sometime soon, then I'm down. I just don't want to rush into anything, even though that's what you might want/had in mind.